The Church

Today my heart aches for the Church. I feel crushed by her. I feel unloved, misunderstood and disappointed. I’m angry and yet not surprised. I’m even more disappointed that I’m not surprised.

There is such a divide between Christ and his Church. The Body sometimes seems so far, so distant, so contrary to how I imagine her head. I want love in a way I’m realizing is very hard for man to do. I want the kind of love that can love the offender and the offended equally and desire more for both.

I know how hard it is for clay to try to contain the love of Majesty; I fail everyday. I want to desire more for someone I hate and never want to see again. I want to heal and not feel the bitter rancor that surfaces when I contemplate how his Body has handled my story. I’m angry and hurt but I don’t want to stay here.

I love God, but I am struggling every day, almost every moment, to love his Church. I want to see her as bigger than those who comprise her, but I am stuck, fixated on how I have experienced her negatively. I want to imagine more for her. I want to experience more of the good I know is there in earthen vessels.

But I’m afraid to approach, afraid to draw near. The wounds are too fresh, too raw. I’m scared that if I get too close the wounds will be grazed and hurt so badly all over again.

I’m afraid of feeling any of this pain all over again.


3 thoughts on “The Church

  1. When you hurt you know it hurts…
    Look, when the time is right to return you’ll know. As apart of the church (and sometimes ashamed to say so) I apologize. Forgive the imperfection of His body. Know that you are loved, live your life to the full and walk steadfeast with your Father.

  2. Man, when I wrote this I had no idea that I had only experienced a glimpse of what was to come.

    It hurts. And, in that I realize a couple of things:

    1. I’ve grown to be able to allow myself to feel the pain and to acknowledge it.

    2. The church is full of sinners (me included), just as it is intended to be. And, He (thank God) is not His church.

    3. I know what I need right now and that is to pull away so that I can heal.

    4. I need to be comfortable giving myself permission to do just that, especially when others disagree.

    Thank you to the (apparently very) few who get that and give a damn that I am a person with needs! Thanks to those who are there for me to love me where I am, without judging me.

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