Magic Toothpaste…and other Dental Hygiene Stuff

I think my toothpaste tube is replenishing itself. Really. I mean, I have had the same family size tube of Colgate since I moved into this apartment at the beginning of January. And it’s nowhere near done. What’s up with that?! I have had to take the flip cap off it and unclog it more times than I care think about (it’s probably due for an enema now), but I don’t seem to be making progress on depleting the supply. Begs the question, “Am I doing something wrong?”

I’m sure many of you are already disgusted with me beyond belief (if for no other reason, for blending toothpaste and enema in a single idea), but stay with me. I think I have pretty normal dental hygiene practices. I brush twice a day (most days, no sense in lying about it). I have a toothbrush and toothpaste at work(and at most of my friends’ houses). So, I’m as conscientious as the average bear. But I’m not using up my toothpaste. Why? I’m a middle squeezer, and as you can tell by the need for routine cap enemas, the flip tops don’t help me remember to properly close when I’m done. So, it should follow that I waste a lot of toothpaste and therefore use it up more quickly. In fact, the shelf in my medicine cabinet where the tube lives has toothpaste leaks on it I need to clean as we speak. (Have I ever mentioned on this blog that I’m a slob? That’s another post…one I’m so dying to write…you’ll all be disgusted for sure!)

Part of the problem could very well be that in addition to being a slob, I am cheap. I’ll admit that I may use the paste sparingly…but enough to handle business. Big globs of toothpaste make me gag, as do big globs of anything in my…. Um, oh. Toothpaste. I really hope I’m not stretching out this tube because I’m too cheap to cough up the $3.50 for a new one. WHY does toothpaste cost so much? Just like tampons? Why? Because they know we’ll pay it. No matter how much they charge us, we’ll pay for the convenience of not wearing an adult diaper between our legs, or not smelling like mush mouth. I hope it hasn’t lasted this long because I’m frugal (read: broke). Although, I’m due for my check up and cleaning and the other day I was in the drugstore contemplating buying the $12.00 do-it-yourself captain hook cleaner and mirror kit as opposed to paying the $25 copay at the dentist. I mean, hell, I’ve had enough cleanings over my lifetime. I can manage. I didn’t buy it. But, I haven’t made my appointment either…still pondering the $13 difference.

I need help on this one? How long does it take a single person to go through a tube of … wait, going to check the tube… ok, an 8.2 oz. tube of toothpaste? Oh, and i’m not a toothpaste sink dumper either. I hate globs of toothpaste in the sink. Just like I hate globs of anything in the sink…like ….hairgrease!! Get your minds out of the gutter. People, puhleeze! I’m a christian woman here. LMAO. Oops I guess I should be LMBO instead, huh?

Does my breath stink?

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8 thoughts on “Magic Toothpaste…and other Dental Hygiene Stuff

  1. Heck, i don’t know…I’m pretty cheap when it comes to toothpaste (or anything), too. In fact, i’ve seen all the various dental “equipment” in the drugstore…we’ve even got Mike a kit to fill in cavities to last him until he goes back to the dentist. I’ve actually wondered what all i would use. If they had a do-it-yourself braces kit, i would be ALL over it!

    Maybe you found the golden ticket and didn’t realize it and you’re enjoying the everlasting gobs of toothpaste.

    But after 7 months…i think you should be at least close to finishing…maybe not…

    “if you want to view oral hygiene, simply brush your teeth and floss them…”

  2. monique!!! you dont tell everyone i have bad teeth online!!

    now i can’t even remember what i was gonna post here. great

  3. LOL. Thanks once again for the laugh…to get on topic…I would venture to say that you should be past done with that tube but I unlike you, like globs of paste in my mouth! LOL. I don’t get by with the pea-sized bit of paste, nope, I want a big glob to make my mouth water to the point where I gag. So that 8.2 oz would have been gone by late March at least. I would venture to say that maybe you are underusing your paste but I can’t seem to recall a day of ugg facing you when conversing with you and your teeth look amazing so…maybe you spend the night at your friends’ homes more than you do your own?!?!?!

  4. One word, sister: coupons!

    I like clean teeth, but Kwesi is teeth-vain. He buys all those gadgets, sees the dentist regularly, and gives his mouth a once-over at home also regularly.

    And Lexi, he special-orders his toothpaste.

    Opposites attract.

    Monique, I guess it’s “pull your husband’s cards online” day!

  5. FREAKS! All of you! LOL.

    Tania: Hook me up with a toothpaste coupon. I’m closer to finished than I thought. Tonight I had to, God forbid, squeeze from the bottom!!

    Ardentgailla: No outing your husband. I can’t figure out how to comment edit. Be nice! LOL…Tania that goes for you too!

    Kwesi: FREAK!!!! (oh, you didn’t comment did you?!)Special ordering toothpaste?!? Give me a break! What happened to dipping the wet toothbrush in the baking soda box. LMAO!

    Kris:Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  6. This is some of the funniest sheee-ot I have ever read. Only you would have deuces, floride and sperm in your mouth all at once, Lexi – and then manage to squeeze tampons into it for good measure.

    Kudos, mon ami.

    Your dude,
    Bauer.

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