Getting Healthy Progress and Other Stuff

I think I just have random thoughts today. It remains to be seen if this will take coherent shape…

I’m at home today doing absolutely nothing. I took off today and yesterday. I planned on taking a long weekend at the beach, but plans fell through in a weird way (death of travel buddy’s grandmother). The weird part is that she AND her mother (whose mom died) still went to the beach anyway. I love it! The shift in days just didn’t work out for me. So, I am home, on my couch reading blogs in between workouts, and showers, and healthy meals. I’m in heaven.

The getting healthy stuff is coming along nicely. I’m finally over the “I just started working out; I hope I can stick to it” hump. I’ve kicked into, “I’m loving this and I don’t feel right without it.” Now, I have to work at not becoming crazy-compulsive about it because, as I have mentioned before, I’m a Gemini. I live at the extremes. All or nothing.

It’s been good. I still won’t diet, but I filled the house up with good food. The ‘rents contributed last night. They bought all this seafood and steaks, so my freezer’s packed. Thanks guys! ( I really need guests for meals now.) I’ve been cooking and taking lunch and eating small meals many times a day. I’ve had ice cream 3 times this week, cuz I’m gonna. No point in pretending like I’m giving it up. Not gonna happen. But I want my body back. I used to be a size 4 when I was anorexic. Maybe I’ll post my anorexic Lexi picture. I’ll have to think about it. Now, I’m a full size 16. I’ll be happy to settle around an 8 or 10. I’m just genetically not designed to be ultra thin. I love to be naked (TMI, I know), and I’m comfortable being naked now. I just want to walk around my house with less giggles. Sometimes I walk to my kitchen wondering if there’s an earthquake. I love the boobs though. I don’t know if I want to let those go. I’ve gone from a B to a DD, and while I’ll be happy to lose at least one of those Ds. I don’ want to go back to a B. We shall see. I do want to be able to turn to the side without being able to count rolls of back fat, though.

OK. Enough gross, fat girl imagery. I feel stuff tightening up already. I love, love, love weight training. Free weights especially. I could bodybuild if it weren’t for the…um….diet. Anyway, weight lifting is a key component to my workout regimen along with kickboxing, bellydancing, jogging…yeah, that’s about it for now. Some hiking when I can get my friends to get up early on Saturday mornings and go. Doesn’t happen too often. I’m enjoying it. I weighed myself earlier this week: BAD IDEA!!! I had gained 4 pounds. And, as many times as I’ve done this, I know about gaining muscle and what that does, but this got into my psyche. It took me a whole day to shake it. I weighed myself again today and the pounds are gone. Thank GOD!!! My official weigh in with my trainer is on Aug. 2nd, I think. I’ll keep you posted. (As if you give a damn!)

I’ve had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts today. I realized after the last post that I’ve been avoiding solitude. That’s why these two days have been good for me. They’ve gotten me to settle into myself again and to eliminate some of the distractions I create to keep from thinking about what’s really on my heart. Like, I have a cousin who is really hurting and going through a lot right now. I’ve had a wall up when it comes to reaching out to her. I can’t really explain it, but today I felt compelled to reach out. I text messaged her since she doesn’t take many phone calls. I hope it makes a difference. I love her and am worried about her. But, I think she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.

And, I felt like I needed to be transparent with a friend about some things that are going on with me. I was able to do that today and it feels great. I can not over emphasize the pricelessness of true intimacy. It may not be possible to reach intimacy in all your relationships. But, I am learning that you can surely invite it by being authentic. She invited me last night. I took the bait and I’m so glad I did. I love you, girl!

These are the things that make life worth living. Even my concern about my cousin who probably hates me right now. All I have to offer is me. The real me. I’m sorry that the truth is often painful. But I’ve lived the pain of the lies for too long. I wonder if I’ve been selfish in my truth-telling. This stuff is hard. When is the truth too much?

That’s all I’m thinking about today.

Any thoughts?


11 thoughts on “Getting Healthy Progress and Other Stuff

  1. Tricky question, but after some thought i would say the the truth is only too much when it is damaging to an individual. Not painful but damaging, to a point to where it will cause an irreversible, damaging outcome. Not bad, not painful, but damaging… Example imagine if Jesus did not die on the cross and you knew about. Would you tell or not tell…. That kinda damaging. You dig. I’m glad to see you took time out to be still….

    Good day.

  2. Good luck with the healthy living thing. I’ve been doing it for a few months now and I feel great.

    You live and follow your own truth. If others are worthy of your company, they’ll understand that you can’t go back to living lies.

    The truth is never too much. The question is how much truth is a person willing to take?

  3. I do give a damn!!! Keep me posted about all your progress and your failures. You are very inspiring and I would like to be there every step of the way.

    Also I have to agree with freshairlover…”the truth is never too much” That’s why we aren’t to lie. Sometimes it hurts, those are usually times when you needed to hear it most (and make some adjustments)…but you may never recover from lies (they are way more damaging).

    Enough about that…maybe we should go for a bra fitting or something…I’ve got no idea what my real size is…after having babies.

    …Or you can just teach me some bellydancing moves 🙂 I love you lady!

  4. I am in with M and freshairlover. The truth is never too much. We all need to come to grips with that. It is much easier to hurt for that little while that the truth stings versus healing from a deep and large wound that a lie leaves behind. Lies cut deep and the hurt much longer than the truth whether we want to believe it or not.

    And BTW, I need to go for a proper fitting too!! I need to actually go ahead and shell out money for a good fitting bra. I know I have increased in cup size since the babe and I have no idea if these milk jumblies are going to deflate once I give up breast feeding but for now, I need something to hold these mommy’s up!! TMI, but the truth!! LOL. 😉

  5. So I finally got to reading your post. How crazy is it that I’ve been thinking about alot of the same things. I know you guys don’t think I need to lose any weight, but I remember what I used to be like…in-between mild bulemia and now. I remember what I was like when I was “getting healthier”, as they said. I wasn’t sick anymore and I wasn’t killing my insides anymore. I was just healthy. Thought I may be smaller than you or my sister or whoever else knows me and thinks I’m crazy to be unhappy about my size, it doesn’t discredit the fac that I am overweight and out of shape. I have spent the whole summer on my butt, and I’m paying for it. And all that’s on top of spending all Fall, Winter, and Spring on my butt, so I’ve got alot of making up to do. I’m working on it, though. Eating better, and getting more active.
    All that to say, I know where you’re coming from with going from having an eating disorder to being bigger than you ever thought you’d get. It’s good to know I’m not alone, and I’m not the only one doing something about it. Love ya!

    Shanada ❤

  6. Yeah Lexi, I think we all to often take relationships for granted. At the end of it all being yourself is all that will matter. I’m trying to become even more transparent, direct and honest. If there can be too much truth then Lord have mercy on me cause trouble here I come../

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