I think I just have random thoughts today. It remains to be seen if this will take coherent shape…
I’m at home today doing absolutely nothing. I took off today and yesterday. I planned on taking a long weekend at the beach, but plans fell through in a weird way (death of travel buddy’s grandmother). The weird part is that she AND her mother (whose mom died) still went to the beach anyway. I love it! The shift in days just didn’t work out for me. So, I am home, on my couch reading blogs in between workouts, and showers, and healthy meals. I’m in heaven.
The getting healthy stuff is coming along nicely. I’m finally over the “I just started working out; I hope I can stick to it” hump. I’ve kicked into, “I’m loving this and I don’t feel right without it.” Now, I have to work at not becoming crazy-compulsive about it because, as I have mentioned before, I’m a Gemini. I live at the extremes. All or nothing.
It’s been good. I still won’t diet, but I filled the house up with good food. The ‘rents contributed last night. They bought all this seafood and steaks, so my freezer’s packed. Thanks guys! ( I really need guests for meals now.) I’ve been cooking and taking lunch and eating small meals many times a day. I’ve had ice cream 3 times this week, cuz I’m gonna. No point in pretending like I’m giving it up. Not gonna happen. But I want my body back. I used to be a size 4 when I was anorexic. Maybe I’ll post my anorexic Lexi picture. I’ll have to think about it. Now, I’m a full size 16. I’ll be happy to settle around an 8 or 10. I’m just genetically not designed to be ultra thin. I love to be naked (TMI, I know), and I’m comfortable being naked now. I just want to walk around my house with less giggles. Sometimes I walk to my kitchen wondering if there’s an earthquake. I love the boobs though. I don’t know if I want to let those go. I’ve gone from a B to a DD, and while I’ll be happy to lose at least one of those Ds. I don’ want to go back to a B. We shall see. I do want to be able to turn to the side without being able to count rolls of back fat, though.
OK. Enough gross, fat girl imagery. I feel stuff tightening up already. I love, love, love weight training. Free weights especially. I could bodybuild if it weren’t for the…um….diet. Anyway, weight lifting is a key component to my workout regimen along with kickboxing, bellydancing, jogging…yeah, that’s about it for now. Some hiking when I can get my friends to get up early on Saturday mornings and go. Doesn’t happen too often. I’m enjoying it. I weighed myself earlier this week: BAD IDEA!!! I had gained 4 pounds. And, as many times as I’ve done this, I know about gaining muscle and what that does, but this got into my psyche. It took me a whole day to shake it. I weighed myself again today and the pounds are gone. Thank GOD!!! My official weigh in with my trainer is on Aug. 2nd, I think. I’ll keep you posted. (As if you give a damn!)
I’ve had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts today. I realized after the last post that I’ve been avoiding solitude. That’s why these two days have been good for me. They’ve gotten me to settle into myself again and to eliminate some of the distractions I create to keep from thinking about what’s really on my heart. Like, I have a cousin who is really hurting and going through a lot right now. I’ve had a wall up when it comes to reaching out to her. I can’t really explain it, but today I felt compelled to reach out. I text messaged her since she doesn’t take many phone calls. I hope it makes a difference. I love her and am worried about her. But, I think she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.
And, I felt like I needed to be transparent with a friend about some things that are going on with me. I was able to do that today and it feels great. I can not over emphasize the pricelessness of true intimacy. It may not be possible to reach intimacy in all your relationships. But, I am learning that you can surely invite it by being authentic. She invited me last night. I took the bait and I’m so glad I did. I love you, girl!
These are the things that make life worth living. Even my concern about my cousin who probably hates me right now. All I have to offer is me. The real me. I’m sorry that the truth is often painful. But I’ve lived the pain of the lies for too long. I wonder if I’ve been selfish in my truth-telling. This stuff is hard. When is the truth too much?
That’s all I’m thinking about today.