I am absolutely annoyed right now. Annoyed and angry. Probably to the point that I shouldn’t be writing a post for fear of having to go back and delete it later. But, I’ve taken a hiatus from my journals right now, so this will have to do. Damn. I should have done this blog anonymously…oh well, too late!
I just got news that I need to move again. This will be my FOURTH move since I separated from my husband in April ’05, and it just throws all the ugliness of this whole stupid divorce right back in my face. Don’t you hate that? One minute you’re sailing along in life honkey-dorey and then, wham! You get slammed with all the crap you’ve been trying to shove to the corners of your mind, with some success frankly. Well, here I am at my wham.
I’ve had a great living situation since January. I rent a basement apartment at a rate you wouldn’t believe, but, against my better judgment, I rented the place without a formal lease. Only a verbal agreement of 30 days notice, at the will of either party. Well, I’m on the short end of that notice. The owners have let me know that they want to use the space again and that we will talk about a move out date this weekend. That’s fine. It’s their place. There’s no lease. What am I gonna do? No need getting too bothered, all good things must come to an end. But I am bothered…
I’m bothered because I suspect that there is more to the story than I’m being told, and I don’t ever expect to hear the whole story honestly. I’m bothered because my ex still lives in the house we bought with only MY name on the mortgage. Him living there isn’t the problem, I couldn’t stay in that house another second. The problem is that he pays the mortgage when he gets good and ready. And guess whose credit rating bites the f- – -king dust month by month as he screws me financially (I’m sure to his immense pleasure)? And for the 9 millionth time: NO! There’s not a damn thing I can do about it until one year from my separation date. (Yeah, it was April, but I lost my mind for a second back in October, so the clock started over). Maryland is the worst state to get a divorce in!!! Hear me people. Divorce elsewhere!!!
Furthermore, my do-gooder, tree-hugging, save the world heart has me in a job making far less money than I’m worth, for the sake of “making a difference in the world” and “doing something that matters.” Screw doing something that matters right now!!! It’s expensive as hell to live alone in the Washington, DC area. I want peace and quite and to be able to walk around my house naked…so I’m not the best candidate for a roommate. I’ve considered all that I can sell and what I can use that money to pay off to be able get enough wiggle room in the budget to afford the huge rent rate hike that’s coming like gangbusters, and while I know that this is just life…it sucks butt right now!
I’ve already e-mailed 2 former employers to try to lock down a part-time gig (which will surely blow my fitness schedule to ashes), put feelers out for a potential roommate (who won’t be offended or turned on by my nakedness), called daddy to find out what if anything can be done with this credit situation of mine, searched for apartments without roaches, rats, robbers or rapists, cried about 3 tears (cuz, that’s all I’m willing to give to this shit anymore), and I still don’t feel any better.
Nothing like the threat of homelessness to light a fire under one’s ass, huh? I’ve been meaning to look into what I want to do with the rest of my life as I face being alone in this big bad world, having to solely provide my own roof, food, shelter, clothing, entertainment, gas, loan repayments, and the like. I hate that I “shared” my life with someone for so long. It has been so debilitating. I lived at home until I got married (at 25), commuted for college, and this last year has been the only time I’ve been on my own and completely responsible for myself, ever! It’s hard. I’m a late bloomer, I know, and learning life lessons all at once. But I need something to give.
OK. I’m done complaining for the night. I think.
Have a better night than me, please!!