Hand-washing in the Potty

There are three types of bathroom hand-washing practitioners that I am aware of, the always hand-washers, the never hand-washers, and by far the most intriguing group to me, the always before hand-washers. I am proudly an always hand-washer. I am grossed out by the never hand-washers (and as a result am an always grab door with paper toweler), but what’s the deal with the always before washers? I was just in the potty with one a minute ago.

After getting over the embarrassment of someone walking into the bathroom while I was número dos-ing, I was shocked to walk out and find her at the sink and not in the stall where she would not be able to associate a face with the stink. But there she was at the sink washing her hands and then she proceeded to her stall. I have a friend who washes first and he says it’s because he’s not touching his penis and contaminating it with something gross from the office when he has to “go home and use that thing on [his wife]”. I swear to God he said it just like that. I’ve also had guys give me more vulgar renditions of why they wash their hands first, but I think this was the first woman.

Anybody out there care to chime in? What kind of washer are you? And if you’re an always beforer, why?


24 thoughts on “Hand-washing in the Potty

  1. I am proud to say I am an always hand-washer, although I haven’t been always. Now, I am repulsed by those who do not. I do however, see the logic in washing before if you’re a man because the hands are one of the dirtiest parts of the body. For a woman, I don’t know. It’s not as if we’re using our bare hands to “clean up”. I don’t get it.

  2. Always washer my whole life as taught by my momma and grandmama.

    I thought the never-washers were a myth, much like leprechauns and unicorns, until I started working here and saw a high-level exec — the highest in this building — leave without washing. Not once, but three times!!! Excuse me while I puke.

    I guess I see why guys wash beforehand. Unless she was a kindergarten teacher who had just instructed on a project using glue or something, I don’t see why a woman would. Cuz then you have to turn right around and do it again afterwards. I HOPE!

  3. @ Lashawn

    How brave of you to admit that you weren’t always an always. Congratulations. Light a candle and say, “My name is LaShawn, I’ve been washing for (fill in time frame).” Come down and pick up your chip,girl!

    Oh, sorry. [Looking around suspiciously] I am I the only one who’s ever been to a recovery meeting? LMAO

    @ Katrice

    So glad you cleared that up! I had reasoned that your desk must be next to the men’s bathroom…but that still would require some off the hook hearing. Glad you’re not hanging out at the urinals.

    Isn’t it funny how I automatically assumed that this non-washer was a man?

  4. I am an always washer and have been an always before washer due to the fact that I worked at one of the dirtiest places ever. I couldn’t imagine touching myself and not knowing that I was fairly clean. In addiction I am a spice eatter and have had to learn that spices burn penises as well as mouths.

  5. Kwesi has me literally laughing out loud at my desk in corporate America. They all think I’m crazy.

    Yes, Alexis, the highest-level exec in the building could have been a woman. And now is. Not the non-washer. A different lady is now the top dog.

  6. @ Kwesi

    Ha! Ha! Kwesi had a Peppered Peter!!

    @ Katrice

    No, I assumed it was a man because of the non-washing, not because of the position. LOL

  7. Ok, I don’t want Kwesi to feel alone as the only man responding…

    I’m a before and after, and like you Lex I’m also a paper-toweler. I also wash my hands MANY times throughout the day in-between potty breaks, but it’s not an OCD related thing… working on office equipment like PC’s and printers all day gets ’em dirty in a hurry. Those things are dust magnets.

    And since I’m also the household cook… like Kwesi, I also learned the lesson of having a Peppered Peter the hard (um, read that “difficult”) way. If you’re chopping habaneros, a simple rinse isn’t enough.

    Stop laughing… IT’S NOT FUNNY!

    [crossing legs instinctively]

    On a semi-related note, I am proud to say that I’m also a toilet-lid-downer. I had a sister, and if I didn’t put the lid down, I could expect to be beaten within an inch of my life.

    As a result, that “training” has stayed with me to this day.

    Well, MOST of the time, anyway.

  8. OH!!! And I had a boss a long time ago who was an “obsessive package adjuster”. He’d walk up to you, adjust himself, and then stick out his hand for a handshake.

    “I don’t CARE if your pants are between things… HECK NO, I’m not gonna shake your hand, dude!”

    This was, to me, just as bad as being a non-washer.

    I always wanted to tell him, “There’s no need for your constant adjusting, your wife says it’s not that impressive.” But I’m sure that would’ve gotten me fired.

    Ok, I’m done… too much info. 🙂

  9. Oh yeah, and Kwesi, your wife appreciates you keeping things clean, much like Lexi’s friend who has to “use that thing on” his wife. LOL

    Lex, I forgot that all guys are supposed to be icky. Except Kwesi and Andy, of course.

    I feel bad for being a paper-toweler. Why? I always do it quickly, lest someone give me a weird look. Then I feel guilty for dropping the towel in the nearest trash can, which belongs to the lucky guy who sits nearest the restrooms.

    Andy, I’m proud of you for remembering the seat thing. You are a man among men.

  10. I have always been an always washer, and have in the past year become a before and after washer. But i take it one step further.

    I’ll admit it was I that told lexi i was a before and after washer because i have to use it on my wife when i get home.

    Here’s how bad i am with washing.
    I open the door using the back of my hand or my shirt tail.

    I wash my hands as soon as i walk in the bathroom. i’ll turn off the faucet with the back of my wrist. It’s a lifty up an downy type. If it’s a twist type i dry my hands first then use the paper towel shut off the water. I dry my hand and go do my business. Then i wash my hands again. Again turn off the water with the back of my hand. Dry my hands and use the papertowel to open the door.

    why am i so anal? (hehe no pun intended) What’s the point of washing your hands and then turning off the faucet that has all the dirty germs still on it? I mean you used your dirty hand to turn it on right? What’s the point of opening the door when their are LOTS of guys who dont wash and then walk out. (it’s very rampant trust me) All doors i use the back of my hand or shirt tail. why? because those same non washers and washers who touch everything after washing track germs on every door handle. I work in the computer field. All those germs go right to the keyboard….and there other foul things people do at computers when you have a FAST connection.

    I can’t stomach the thought of getting infected with something and then infecting my wife because i didnt take the time to be cautious.

    Oh i’m also flush toilets with (and urinals, i’m pretty flexible) with my foot and will NEVER sit on a toilet seat if there isnt an ample supply of paper on it.

    I didnt use to be like this. All it takes is seeing blood on the toilet seat just once and your perspective changes.

  11. Ok, I have to admit I am a before and after handwasher. I didn’t realize that, that’s rare. I keep thinking, I have to make sure my hands are clean before touching myself (no, not masturbating, I might accidentally touch myself and pass on some germs to me). Isn’t there anyone other female in the world apart from me, and the girl Lex saw who does this?

  12. I had no idea this post would generate so much discussion. Thanks. This was hilarious.

    @ Andy

    Thanks for all the info dude. I’m seeing that before washing is much more of an issue for the guys. And that makes sense. Although, I have to admit, I didn’t know y’all cared so much.

    Question: The putting the toilet lid down? Is that a so girls don’t fall in thing? Or a prevent from propelling particles 6 feet away from the toilet thing?

    Do you guys close the toilet lid when you flush??

    I don’t remember to. And I don’t keep my toothbrush in the medicine cabinet at the new place. Gotta fix that!

    @ MC

    Thanks for the disclosure. Gailla thanks you too, I’m sure.

    I keep thinking that the more I talk to you and Katrice I’ll grow closer to a germaphobe…but it still isn’t working.

    @ Gela

    Nope, I think it’s just the two of you!!

  13. Have you noticed how the ones who don’t wash after using the toilet always fluff up their hair and apply makeup before sashaying out of there (to go eat, probably.) They can’t spare a minute for hygeine, though. If men only knew half of what we know about other women. Blechhhhh.

  14. Wow, I have not been on here due to my new mom/work/school schedule but I see I have missed out on a lively discussion!
    “Hello, my name is Kris and I am an always washer except when I hear the baby crying and I know she is on the bed alone and no one else is paying attention to her!”
    If this occurs, I make a mad dash scoop her up careful not to let my hands touch her and head back to do my one hand at a time washing. I also keep a steady supply of purell around me. One on my keychain, one in my briefcase, one on the computer desk at home, one in the den at home, one in the purse and one on my work desk. I also lysol down my workspace once a week including the door to my office and the handle. LOL. I hate germs. HATE THEM. Anyway,I work in a huge building. There are many, many people on my floor. I am a shoe watcher and I take note of my co-workers’ bathroom habits. I know that between 2 and 4 pm is the time where most will be eliminating their lunches so I always go to teh basement to use the facilities. I also know that around 11 is when a small gang of quiet petite women will convene in the bathroom to chat and drop poop in the 4 middle stalls so I try not to disturb them. I know that one of my sub-bosses NEVER washes her hands, and get this, she wear pads…ummm yeah. Let that one sink in. I also count how long people wash their hands and assign percentage of germ possibilities to them. 20 seconds or more and you get a green from me. A 25% or lower possibilty of lingering germs if you did not scrub well. You can walk into my office and I won’t immediately sanitize everything you came near. 10-20 seconds. You get a 65% or lower possibilty of germ lingerings. You can walk in and I give you about a 2 minute lead before I start lysoling everything. Less than 10 seconds – 95% possibilty of germs! Please don’t enter my space or else you will get the laser eyes of death as I watch for every single inch of space that you occupy and everything that you touch as I hold my breath and make sure to stay 1.5 feet away from you. Never washes 100% possibilty. You will get the same treatment as the less than 10 second people as well as a scowl of disgust and a hand over my face to ward off any floating germs. Plus I will pull out the lysol in plain view to punctuate the digust. Hell, I might even pray you down with lysol if you make a move toward me and claim self defense. Nasty bastards. Sorry. Venting. Why is it so hard to wash you hands?

    Anyway, next topic of before washers. The small gang that poo at 11 always wash their hands before hand. I do if I am about to change my tampon because I don’t want to introduce Miss Kitty to toner or whatever else might be on my hands but other than that I can’t see why I would wash my hands before entering the stall. Interesting that some people do. It does make me wonder what they do in there. I assumed tampon removal and replacement. I have also assumed masterbation or possibly mid-morning cleansing. However al I ever hear is turds dropping and giggling as they chat in whatever language. I might just ask them why they wash before hand…

    On to the paper towel habit, I also use the towel not just for the bathroom door but also for the door to my office. I never grab the first towel in the dispenser either. Someone could have walked up and sneezed on it or something. So what I do is…walk into bathroom…pull first towel off and trash it…go to potty…wash hands unless someone has pulled my fresh towel if so I pull the presenting towel and trash it then wash hands…grab three towels dry hands making sure to get in between each finger then trash them..grab another towel and proceed to open door fold towel over in hand making sure not to touch the surface that touched to door…open office door crumble towel and toss. Safe and sound! LOL. I love the discussion of office potty habits. It makes me feel secure to know that there are some people out there who are not disgusting. I see nastiness daily.

  15. dang kmf, i though i had it bad. although i do hold my breath when people are obviously sick.

    what church do you goto where you pray people down with lysol :p

    i love others’ typos

  16. @ Heart

    Thanks for stopping by. Please come again. Yes, I am always surprised by how disgusting women can be.

    But, I burp and fart like a guy!

    @ Kris

    hello stranger!!! I missed you. I knew you would chime in on this one eventually. Thanks for the reminder that I am so much more sane than I think, by comparison. You are nuts. The germaphobe of germaphobes!! Sheesh!

    You don’t sit on my toilet, do you?

  17. LOL. Of course not. LOL. Not yours, not granny’s, not nobody’s. I sit at homeor with proper protection and since I don’t want to waste your tp, I hover!

  18. Yeah, I hover everywhere too. I even hovered at home years ago when I was a teen and someone’s evil ex accused me of peeing standing up like a man. Pissed me off, pun unintended.

    Kmf, they poo TOGETHER???? How strange.

    Lex, you hit upon quite a fascinating topic.

  19. I was going to say I’m an always washer, except I don’t always wash after peeing at home. I don’t know why, but I am selectively obsessive/compulsive, so it’s nice to be relaxed about something.

    I don’t like the paper towel people at work because then I have to touch the wet doorknob that just touched the towel that touched their hands. And one is a woman who works in my office, so if she’s shadowing me to/from the bathroom, she could end up in front, and then I have to touch TWO wet doorknobs that have touched her! And that’s somehow worse than the anonymity of a dry doorknob.

    You put down the seat so nothing falls in (I worry about my glasses and my rings), and if you don’t do it after you shit, then bacteria is spread throughout your bathroom, such as onto your exposed toothbrush. Please don’t freak out about that.

  20. And “use this thing on my wife” is especially funny because he acts like it’s not his thing.

    I think the guy in Andy’s comment has a sock or something extra, and that’s what he’s adjusting.

  21. I hate to serially comment, but I have to say, I clicked on thi spost because I thought it was about people who wash their hands in toilet water.

  22. @ Macarena

    OMG! You are too funny. Although, handwashing in the toilet might be an improvement on some of what I’ve observed.

    Welcome! Please come back.

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