Feeling Better and then There’s Ex…and Survivor

I’m feeling much better today. Thanks bunches to all of you for your suggestions and well wishes.

Been a while since I’ve mentioned weight loss stuff. I haven’t been to the gym in God knows when, but I’ve had 2 people insist that I am losing weight this week. I am conquering my addiction to the scale and therefore have no idea if they’re right or not. Maybe I’ll check it out this week.

My life has been too hectic to focus on anything but making sure I have a roof over my head. Ex stuff is finally catching up to him, and since they can’t get what they want from him, guess who they’re coming after?? Yep, you guessed it, yours truly. I keep telling myself that this will come to an end. It will be over and I will have my life back.

I never realized how much significance a name has. I want my last name back. It will be good riddance to the last reminder of how I lost myself to someone else. It will remain a memorial to me and a reminder to never lose myself again.

I am so sleepy these days. All I want to do is sleep. Someone said that it sounds like depression, but I think it’s exhaustion. Stress wears you out. I really don’t think I’m depressed. Angry, frustrated, anxious for this to be over? Yes. Actually I’m quite motivated. I’m getting a lot of things done that I’ve been sitting on, because it’s crunch time now.

I was watching Dancing with the Stars last night. One of the contestants is going through a divorce and she seemed like she was so down and hurt by it. She mentioned that she needed this competition to distract her. I’ve been separated for 17 months now. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life. Am I strange because I view my divorce as the best thing that could possibly be happening to me right now? Don’t get me wrong, I cried. It hurt. It was a hard decision to make. But I made it and I’m thrilled. Is that wrong?

This is the most I’ve ever really talked about my divorce here.

It’s grey and cozy today. Just like I like it. Anybody got a pillow?

UPDATE: Just a little friendly reminder to those in contention that Survivor Cook Islands on CBS starts tomorrow, Thursday, September 14th, 8pm et/pt. Be there. I’ll bring the popcorn.


9 thoughts on “Feeling Better and then There’s Ex…and Survivor

  1. So glad that you finally feel better. Better days are coming! Sooner than you can imagine… Smile and relax, work and keep motivated. LOve yourself and live your life. God is great and you are his greatest treasure. He’s gotcha

  2. Yes, one day this will be a memory. And the view from there will be so much better. In the meantime, you’re doing great. You’re very strong.

    And no, I don’t think you’re strange. Some divorces need to happen, and they are the best thing that can happen to a person to get the craziness out of their life.

    Gray and cozy. Now on that, you’re nuts. Where’s the sun? Where’s the heat? Where’s the steam rising off the sidewalk? I just wanna go back to bed. 😡

  3. I’m so glad you’re feeling better today! And your long walk through the valley of the shadow of death will be over soon, and you will dwell in peace and happiness forever.

    I think you SHOULD take back your own name. I’ve always believed that taking husbands’ names was a stupid carryover from when we were chattel, and women shouldn’t have to lose their own identity to be with a man. Besides, as you point out, the symbolism is important to reclaiming your life.

    I’m glad you’ve decided to talk about your divorce here because so many of us have been there, and can offer support if not useful insights.

    Thanks for the reminder about Survivor. I guess we all know who those contentious folks are. The popcorn will be appreciated.

  4. Stumbled across your blog today and had to comment….there is absolutely nothing wrong with thinking that your divorce is the best thing that could have happened to you!! If anything I think it provides opportunity for growth and it sounds like you are doing just that!!

    Myself I found that I did not really become an adult (whatever that means lol) until my first major (7 years) relationship break up….it took me to therapy and a whole new world opened up for me.

    And it’s sooooooooo normal to have all of the mixed emotions…the good, the bad and the ugly…after all that is probably what the marriage was about….there were some good things too no doubt and it’s important to remember those too. The grief process encompasses all of it….the good and the not so good.

  5. @ Kwesi

    Thanks. I sure hope so. I’m trying. So you tell me. I believe that.

    @ Katrice

    Thanks. I feelstrong.

    This one certainly needs to happen, soon. I’ve had enough craziness for 3 people. I just can’t wait for it to be in the rear view mirror, you know?

    It’s great! Summer sucks.

    @ Heart

    Whoa! Am I about to die??? I don’t want that kind of peace, not yet anyway.

    I’m definitely getting my name back. And even if I marry again, the guy’s just gonna ahve to understand. You can call me Mrs. His name, His last name all you want, but MY name is MY name. The whole thing. That’s who I am and that’s who I’ll be, always.

    I was a little scared to talk about the divorce here, more because of what I’d say than anything. I had a lot of venom to spew early on, so it was best that I not immortalize that stuff. I’m at a better place now, so I can talk about it with more of a level head. Thanks for the support.

    You’re gonna get hooked on Survivor. I can feel it.na

  6. @ Boo7

    Welcome! Thanks for dropping in and I’m so glad you commented.

    You are so right that this has been an opportunity for growth. It has cost me a lot, but in the end, I’m a better person because of it.

    The mixed feelings kill me sometimes. Most of the anger and hatred is gone. I do remember some of the good times, but they do not cloud the reality that it was a HOT MESS and I needed to be out of that.

    Thanks so much for your thoughts. Please come back!

  7. Who said anything about dying? I was talking about living. I don’t know where the 23rd psalm came from – I’m not traditionally religious. But the misery that accompanies (and precedes) divorce is like that valley. Enough about that.

    You sound healthy and strong and burning with pure intent. You’ve been building energy for a long time, and now you will use it to build a new and better life for yourself. You’re about to amaze yourself, but the rest of us won’t be surprised at what you can do.

    I don’t see getting hooked on Survivor. I’m only planning to watch it out of curiosity, and because I won’t be able to face you and Kwesi if I don’t.

    I like my popcorn salted, no artificial butter, please.

  8. @ Heart

    I know you weren’t saying I was going to die. I’m pretty cynical about my faith right now, and one of the things that gets to me about how a lot of Christians view divorce is that they almost believe you aren’t supposed to be happy until heaven. Like, women don’t have a right to peace in their marriages, and are “holy” by enduring craziness for the sake of holding it together. Just being silly. I knew what you meant.

    “You’re about to amaze yourself, but the rest of us won’t be surprised at what you can do. ”

    I already am amazing myself. I’ll post on that soon. It’s wonderful to have people believe in you when you’ve lost the ability to believe in yourself. Thank you for the vote of confidence.

    Even if you don’t watch Survivor, I can’t wait for your perspective in the discussion. REAL BUTTER is the only butter!!!

  9. It’s not just Christians who disapprove of divorce, although they seem to have a corner on deferring happiness until heaven. I don’t quite get the rapture theory of selected people rising up to heaven like Mary Poppins while everyone else goes straight to hell.

    The shockingly prevalent notion that women are not entitled to the same basic rights that men enjoy makes me livid. Such primitive thinking needs to be eradicated and the sooner, the better.

    Survivor: Oh, yes. You’ll be hearing from me. I saw on the news last night that people were picketing the studio over the ethnicity question. And a few of the contestants made comments that bode poorly for anything good, ie not divisive, coming from this. But hey, the ratings will go up.

    I’m glad we haven’t lost sight of the really important issue here, popcorn.

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