One More Secret

OK. I was thinking about this all night, so I must add it to my list of secrets: I am vulgar. Not even “vulgar for a girl”, just plain vulgar. I have a potty mouth, and that’s no big surprise to many, but most people don’t know the extent of my vulgarity, as I choose to protect them from the shock of, “OMG the ex-preacher’s wife says stuff like that!”

There are a select few who have had the pleasure of Lexi unrestrained, but I try to reel it in as much as possible in most cases. I am not always successful. I crack myself up constantly as I self-edit my thoughts for a better alternative that might be at least reasonably appropriate in a social setting. I try even harder when kids are around. In such settings, do NOT ask me what I’m laughing at. I guarantee you don’t want to know. It’s probably a bad sign that I find myself absolutely hilarious and am not looking to change this in the least.

Here’s an example. No explicit language. Fear not.

A couple of weeks ago my brakes started making a God-awful screeching sound, again. I called my mechanic hook-up (translation: mechanic who does work for me and gets paid in cash at a discounted price under his boss’s nose…or just does the work at his house) to find out what was wrong. I took the car to him. His reaction: Oh MAN! I really needed him not to be that appalled. He told me he couldn’t look at it at work that day, but to bring it to his house after work. I did.

My dad lives in the subdivision next to the mechanic, so I asked him to come bring me cash so that I could at least tip the guy. When dad got there, I leaned in his car window and said:

Yeah dad, I don’t think he’s going to charge me anything, but if he does, I’ll have to offer to blow him. That’s all I’ve got!!

My father closes his eyes, shakes his head (shocked, but not really) and says, “Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that!”

It was sooo much fun saying “blow him” to Daddy!

So, you see what I mean?

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16 thoughts on “One More Secret

  1. I envy your relationship with your dad. That is so cool that you can be you with him — vulgar and all!

    You’re lots of fun. Don’t change. And my kids can handle a lot, I’ve found. They’ll either shake their heads at us or crack up themselves.

  2. I have always loved your dad! He reminds me so much of my Dad. When I was 14 I went to the Jr. High Prom and my dad drove me and my date. Well when we got home, my mom asked my dad if I had kissed my date goodnight. His response was “No, she dropped to her knees and blew him on the front porch”…. Damn I miss my Dad!! he was hilarious!

  3. I want to read your vulgarity! Feel free to exercise it when you leave me comments. Parental discretion bullshit: Whoo-hoo!

    How does public hair help pee flow? I can’t pee unless I’m sitting, so I can’t field test this.

  4. I knew it. You ARE the perfect girl!!

    And btw, your dad is MUCH cooler than mine ever was about stuff like that. He once locked himself in his study with a handgun for 3 DAYS because of me.

    I was out with 3 other teens stealing stop signs in the middle of the night and lost one high heeled shoe. He was so angry he said “shit” in front of his wife and daughter, totally against his behavioral code.

    My friends came over to lend support while my mother paced in front of the locked door telling me, “If he kills himself, it’s YOUR fault.”

    He would have had an M.I. at even the thought of a blow job in regard to his daughter. AFTER first murdering said daughter.

    So did the mechanic charge you for the repair?

  5. @ Katrice

    I love my dad. I can’t be any other way with him. I’m glad I don’t scare him.

    I don’t think changing is an option, I just hope I don’t drag your kids into my verbal underworld.

    They shake their heads at me??? Hey!!!

    @ Shellie

    I love him too. Your dad and my dad were so much alike…crazy and crazy about their girls!!

    He was hilarious!

    Yeah, Shellie gets me unedited. Ever since 1st grade…and man did I have a vocabulary at 6!!!

    @ Macarena

    It’s hard not to blog through a filter. I’m working on it, but I always wonder who will read my comments and what they’ll think.

    I don’t know how public hair helps peeing, but public hair directs the flow of urine downward…or so I’ve learned. LOL

    @ Heart

    My dad is the coolest, but now you’re making me think twice about yours???? WTF? That’s crazy. What was he scared of? I mean, I’m sure all dads are worried that they’re girls are out having sex, but was it THAT serious???

    And no, he didn’t charge me anything. Good thing too. I’m out of practice.

  6. Damn, Macarena! I was trying to tease you and made the same mistake. That’s what I get for trying to correct someone else’s typos. LOL

  7. You know, for years I actually thought it was about my losing a shoe. It only occurred to me recently (I’m a little slow on the uptake, obviously) that he thought I was the town pump or something. And it WAS innocent “fun,” albeit against the law.

    Two girls & two boys, all friends, went to a show in Greenwich Village and on the way home to Long Island, had the bright idea of stealing a stop sign or two in Queens. While jumping in and out of the car, my shoe got dropped somewhere.

    It’s sad that my parents always jumped to the worst conclusion about me.

    My father WAS cool in terms of his innate gifts, but he wasn’t a relaxed parent to me because he was a male chauvinist and I was not docile, as he thought a girl should be. He was much better with my brother, which is sad because in many ways, I’m more like him. (Except for the wtf-type behaviors, of course.)

    I’m happy to hear about the mechanic. Don’t worry, you’ll get your chops back soon.

  8. Yeah, my dad always assumed the worst about me too. Does nothing for your self-esteem.

    My mom informed me about the pubic hair phenomenon when she first started chemo. Who knew?

  9. I think I may get fired today – I almost choked because I was laughing so loudly. Who knew you had a potty mouth – I didn’t think you knew what a curse word was when I saw you last. I was editing myself all night (or at least trying). Thanks for the heads-up.

    I was a stank little girl as well. It’s amazing how much we learn in adulthood about our bodies. For instance – it’s a very good thing to be clean and sanitary. The men in your life will thank you :’)

  10. Gosh, you and your Dad is cool like that? Wow!!!!

    Geez, I know from reading your blog that you’re crazy. And I love it. I can see you’re fun. But a potty mouth too? Oh Lord, I’m not going to be able to look the pastor nor his wife in the eye again. I’ll be thinking “I’m on to you buddy, I know you’re not as pious as you look.”

    Actually one of my friends (from MBA days) is a Minister. Yep, proper Minister with collar (lol) and she is so much fun. Ohmigod! I’m so happy I’m able to see the non-minister side of her.

  11. Lex, that’ll tech you to tease me! On Growing Pains, in a move they probably wouldn’t allow now, Ben had labeled the phone “PUBIC PHONE.” Hee!

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