Doing What I Do Best

Warning: Compulsives, beware. This post desperately needs an edit. But I’m off to bake cookies. Deal.

  • I’m procrastinating. I should be baking now if I’m ever going to be done by Christmas. I’ve finished chocolate chip cookies (with and without pecans), oatmeal scotchies (nuts and not), pistachio lime cookies, a couple of oreo cheesecakes and… that’s it for now. I think I’m up to about 50 dozen, I think. Maybe less. I ate a couple.
  • I upgraded my Firefox. I now get red lines to let me know I’ve misspelled words, even in Blogger. Yay.
  • Charlie Brown Christmas is on. I hate all of these shows: Rulolf, Frosty, Great Pumpkin. All of them. I don’t think they’re so bad. I’ve just seen them all and I never want to see them again. Kids are so screwed if they get stuck with me as a mom. Poor things.
  • I hate my bank. Either debit cards are Satan, or my bank gets a kick out of stealing money from me. To make a long story short, I spent all of the money in my checking account shopping for baking stuff Friday night. I deposited 2 checks at the ATM Saturday night. The bank “held” the money from the deposit and therefore drew overdraft fees for 5 of my Friday night purchase. They only want to refund 2 of them. They stole $90 from me for no reason. Who has $90 to throw down the drain at Christmas time? Fuckers! I hate them. I want to change banks, but only after the D. I want a clean slate. Note to self: ONLY use the DEBIT function. Choosing CREDIT costs you money because your credit union gets its jollies off of stealing your money in $28 increments.
  • I’ve been at my job now for a little over a year. It’s time to ask for a raise. I’ve never, ever done this in my life. The last time my boss and I discussed my utter inability to live off of my current salary without working a second job, she informed me that I’m at the top of my pay scale, and that an increase would put me into the same range as the attorney’s salary. That sounds like the attorney’s problem to me. Right? What does it have to do with me that the attorney agreed to work for chickenshit? I know we’re a non-profit and all. But hello????
  • All bets are off on the fitness business. I was hoping to make a major milestone in the whole weight loss arena. But, my house is filled with sweet, yummy goodness. And I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks. I’m too busy getting fat. I’ll fix it in January. I know I suck. You can say so.
  • My dad wanted to share a Bible verse with me that mattered to him last week. I had to resist the impulse to knock the Bible out of his hand. Hmmm? This could be an issue, huh? I’m not really surprised by my impulse. Just putting in public for all of you to witness my depravity. Hell, here I come.
  • Speaking of going to hell…I don’t do old people. I attribute this solely and completely to utter selfishness. I am annoyed by how slowly they tell a story, get to the point, speak, re-tell the same story you just heard, re-get to the same point they just got to and…you get my point. If nothing else secures my place in hell, I’m sure this does. What are they keeping me from as the drag on and on and on torturing me with their incessant, dawdling chatter? Nothing. Just something else I’d rather be doing. Translation: selfishness. I really need help.
  • My Granny is 88 (or 89, she and the 1920 census disagree). I love her. I don’t spend nearly as much time with her as I should. Truth be told, I don’t spend any time with her. She called to make sure I’d be there for Christmas. Of course I’ll be there, since you called personally. What am I supposed to say, “nah, I’ll catch you next year?” I don’t think so. The Granny part had little to do with me going to hell except that she is old. I don’t feel about her as I do for old people generally, but something keeps me away. She tells funny stories. I’ll miss her dearly if she passes. I better get this together. I have a friend who could spend all day sitting and talking to her grandmother. I admire her. I’m too selfish. What a lovely Christmas thought.
  • Charlie Brown is still invading my television. Why don’t the adults say words? That’s how I feel when old people are talking to me. I mean, that’s what it sounds like after about 3.67 minutes.
  • I really need to be in the kitchen.
  • I’ve been blogging for a whole year now. Sometimes I feel more introspective than others. I’ve enjoyed those moments, but I really like these posts when I just tell you what I really think.
  • I’m going to a Christmas party on the 23rd. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m so glad not to be spending the days leading up to Christmas organizing my church’s annual dinner for the homeless. We took hot meals to the streets of DC every single Christmas morning of my marriage. It stopped being selfless and admirable after year 3 because after that I bitched and moaned about it the whole time. Hell. I know. My new addy.
  • I saw my dad the other day and he goes, “Lexi, you look a lot less stressed that you have the past couple of months. Are you getting some?” You’ve really gotta love my parents! I guess I left the door open for that with the whole “blowing the mechanic” thing. I guess I’m not “daddy’s little girl” anymore.
  • My parents asked me for a Christmas wish list this year. First time since I was a kid. I decided to be cheeky. Since they asked what I wanted, I told them. I used to hold back when my parents asked me about needing money or wanting stuff. But I stuck it to them this year. They can always laugh at me and call me nuts. I asked for the Zune Mp3 player. My dad is so cute. He tries to keep up with the times (although he still says ‘bumpin”) but he has not clue what an mp3 player is. He finally broke down and asked. Notice that none of the descriptions of them on line bother to mention what it exactly is. He’s so cute.
  • I hate cheesecake. I don’t really know when this happened, because it hasn’t always been this way. But there’s nothing appealing about it for me anymore. It actually repulses me a little. I guess that’s a good thing. Now if I could only develop a repulsion to all else but carrots and hay I’d be in business.
  • I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will make at least one batch of dough tonight. I will get up off of my fat ass and make at least one batch of dough tonight.
  • My mom just called me to tell me that one of her friend’s sister died. I said I was sorry. My mom gets so worked up when people die. What else am I supposed to say? I knew her, but not like that. I think it was more of an FYI call. Do you know how many of her friends I’ve killed and resurrected. I can never remember who’s dead and who’s alive. Scary thought that half your parents’ friends have died.
  • My intern’s cousin’s 8 month old baby died Saturday. Now that got to me.
  • I watched this guy beat the living crap out of his girlfriend while she was driving her car today. I know that he was her boyfriend because that’s what the cop (who I called) told me after he finished investigating the incident. The guy told me to mind my fucking business. Naturally. I’m sorry, America. If you ever see a man pounding me in the face, ever, PLEASE call the police if you’re (like me) too scared to intervene yourself. This girl didn’t want to press charges. No surprise to me, but at least the punk had to walk home. Asshole. And at least she has an incident report should she ever need to build a case against the jerk in the future. She was thankful. I hope she gets away from him safely, for good. Would you have called the police?
  • I don’t want to end on that note, but I’m all out of ideas. I’ve unloaded all of my random thoughts on you.

What a boring post. I’ll find my mo-jo again. Really.

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18 thoughts on “Doing What I Do Best

  1. What happened to the baby?!?!?! Oh my goodness! And please, tell Unc not to call out my getting some face when I finally do get me some. I should have enjoyed the baby making fest while it was going on! LOL.

  2. Oh yeah…take your time on that dough….I want to make sure the cranberry goodness is just right! LOL. Also, I am free to sample any of the goods at leisure!

  3. I went from being amused, to shocked to being amused.

    It’s a nice post. At least you’re honest. And yes, you might have indeed sealed your place in hell, but I’ll give you a fire extinguisher when you’re ready to go. Just let me know.

    Oh, I wish I lived near you to come get some cookies.

    and yes, I would have called the police on his ass as well, you did the right thing. You might have even gotten a reprieve from hell 🙂

  4. @ KMF

    I’m not sure. Apparently they weren’t surprised. They were expecting it, but hoped the baby would make it through Christmas. So sad.

    Your muffins have to be made last. I’ll make sure to give them special attention.

    Come by anytime for a tasting.

    @ Gela

    I’m glad you agree that I’m hell-bound. Folks keep fighting me on this one. But if calling the cops trumps impatience with geriatrics, I might still have a chance. I hope you’re right.

  5. My ex hit me (why he is my ex btw) and I would totally rat some random asswipe out if I saw what you saw.

    The hating cheesecake thing. Lord, we gotta talk….

  6. How can you hate cheesecake??? I am really going to have to evaluate our 28 year friendship–I just don’t know who you are anymore!!

    For the record, I also don’t trust people who don’t like chocolate. It’s not natural to hate such sugary goodness–It’s like saying you hate sunshine and rainbows!

    YAY for calling the police on that asshole!!

    And just so I know what to get you for Christmas–have you picked out a hand basket for your trip yet?

  7. @ Debbie

    Thanks! I usually crack up when I go back and read them. I feel like I’m just babbling though as I write.

    @ Christina

    You know, there’s a website to warn future women about the assholes certain men are. We should post our ex’s. Whadaya say?

    @ Let’s Pretend

    I don’t know about the cheesecake thing. It’s pretty random. I’m getting a general aversion to things that go down thick. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Who knows. I agree with people who hate chocolate. WTH?

    About the hell thing. I’m starting to think that I should give up my belief in hell. That would be the most convenient thing, don’t you think?

    The Pope gave up his belief right before he kicked it (how convenient). I remember the catholics in grad school running through the hall, excited, saying, The Pope said there’s no hell!” It was hilarious.

  8. Great post, but we gotta talk about some things.

    How do you dislike old people??? I dislike driving behind them, but they have great stories!

    And you already know we disagree on the cheesecake thing. Although, I have an aversion to fancy cheesecake. I just want a regular cheesecake with strawberries on it.

    If my dad EVER asked me if I was getting some, I would faint on the spot. And when I came to, I would pretend to still be out. Cold.

    Go see your grandma.

    My bank charges me $32. I swear some bank wench is driving a Lexus because of me.

    I can never remember who’s living or dead either.

    Yes, I would definitely call the police.

  9. Lex,

    Is there really a serious question as to whether you should have called the police? My question is, does the guy know who you are or where you live?

    As you know, I managed a shelter for battered women. They usually go back for more. It’s heartbreaking, but what you did validated her, even though she didn’t press charges, and eventually, such incidents and her own pain will help to shake her out of her denial.

    You’re not going to hell. You’re a really good person. They don’t take your kind down there.

    Your impatience with the elderly just means that you are demanding unrealistic levels of performance from yourself and feel constantly pressured to be Doing Something. Spending time with old folks is another way of stopping and smelling the roses.

    ATM deposits don’t go into your account until after midnight on the next business day, and only then AFTER they go through your charges. It’s actually better to deposit in person on the next bus. day so they know the funds are there immediately.

    Forgive me for being so verbose, but I really adore you. Calm down and BREATHE, okay?

  10. Lex, good lord.

    Not only would I have called the police, as I’ve done a million times before, I would have tried to kick that guy’s butt. (I wouldn’t have but I would dream of it).

    I love that you love Christmas like I do.

    Your dad musta lost his mind… asking you that question. Lord.

    It’s snowing in Denver right now. It’s pretty damn cold. I think sometimes that I’m on a highway to hell too so at least you won’t be alone. I say we get on the sleds and find the highest hill around and slid right into that place. I’ll make sure to bring some marshmallows to roast!

  11. @ Christina: I don’t really care for the cheesecake either! FYI…Sorry…more for you!

    Lex: I have some tips that I will dig out for you for “when you are asking for a raise. FYI sounds like they can no longer afford you but, dangle something in front of you to stay. This is normally a BAD sign that they are 1. too lazy to hire the “right” person for the job and 2. that they are only paying you the higher salary until they find your replacement. ;o( In my personal experience in the HR department…

    All those cookies…Ms 50 dozen??? 50 dozen??? OMG you go girl!! You would need a flat bed truck and crane to lift me out of my house if I even came close to all that! =)

  12. So the cookies…You are bringing them to the party right? RIGHT?!!??!? Please..I must know…I can’t live another second without knowing!! Cookies…Cookies…COOKIES!!!!!

  13. Pardon me if I consider myself a GOOD guy… there’s absolutely no question in my mind on whether or not I would’ve called the police. MOST DEFINITELY.

    And if given the chance, he would’ve received a piece of my fist… even if the asshat was bigger than me.

    YOU DON’T LIKE CHEESECAKE????

    Lexi, sweetie. I thought I knew you! We gotta have a serious sit-down and talk about our future if it won’t include cheesecake.

    (But I guess everything will still work out as long as there’s carrot cake with cream cheese icing.)

  14. This post is nice and crisp.

    I like to think I’d call the police. I often wonder what I’d do in situations, and how I’d defend myself, but nothing happens.

    Even if you plan to intervene, you should call the police first. But if you hit the guy, he’s got you for assault.

    BUMPIN’! Your dad is precious.

  15. I had a fabulous post, but the sign in for gmail change erased it. I’m too lazy to retype it (plus I don’t remember all of it). I’m taking the Granny shooping for Chitterlings in the AM. Hope no chitlin juice gets in my car. I’m sleepy. Dang blogger for erasing my message!

  16. @ Let’s pretend

    You’re making it hard to preserve your anonymity, but… Cookies.

    There’s going to be a ton of folks at your house. And while I will be baking my ass of on Saturday, hoping to bring a nice hostess gift, I don’t know if I can handle your crowd.

    BUT I will definitely bring the presents for the family on Saturday. After all, that IS all you’re interested in anyway, right? LOL

    @ Andy

    I’m glad you and everybody else would have called the police. So many people stand by and do nothing, or hear through the walls and do nothing. I can’t tell you how many of my clients’ lives have been saved by “nosey neighbors”. [steps down off of soapbox]

    Cheesecake. Um. Nope. Not much of a fan. I don’t know when this changed, but it is definitive. Love cream cheese, though. Now, Honey, just because I don’t eat something doesn’t mean I won’t adoringly prepare it for your delight. Anytime.

    I’ll just make gag noises with every bite you take!

    @ ~m~

    It really is hard to say what you’d do in the heat of the moment, until you’re in it. I hope nothing continues to happen.

    He is precious. And so funny.

    @ Kyla

    Awww. I wish I knew what you said. I know, in Firefox at least, that when Blogger eats your comment you can always click the back arrow until you get back to your pre-click Login and Publish page. Voila! I’m not sure about IE.

    @ Katrice

    I don’t know what it is about old folks. I admire you. Yes, i know. I’m selfish and impatient.

    @ Heart

    Have I told you how much I love you this week? You are my voice of reason.

    For me,lately, smelling the roses has consisted of vegging out in front of the tube watching Food Network with a beer. I must learn to appreciate the slower moments and soak it all in.

    Thanks for assuring me that I’m not going to hell. You ARE the authority and the only voice I’ll listen to on the subject, since everyone else seems to agree that I’m going.

    @ djn

    I do love Christmas. And, I wish you were with me the other day. I would have loved to see you kick that guy’s ass.

    You’re an angel. Why would YOU be going to hell?

    @ Superstar

    THANK YOU for feeling my cheesecake pain!!!

    The boss actually brought the raise up first. I don’t have a figure yet…have to wait until the 1st of the year as the Exec. Dir. is on maternity leave. Good tips.

    And, um, back that flat bed up to my door please!

  17. blessings lex. i love your real-ness. i love the post on marrying outside of your race. keep sharing. happy holidays. peace and love, ananda

    ps: i discovered your blog from kyla’s blog.

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