At 4 am when I was lurking around on all of my blog pals’ blogs, I had all these ideas of what to write about today. Now, I gots nothin’. Should have just stayed up. Some of my most honest stuff comes out with sleep deprivation.
So, it’s the new year. I’ve been thinking of some goals for this year, no resolutions. I suck at sticking to things. So here are a few of them, along with some anecdotal stuff so that you get why it matters to me at all. If I bore you to tears, come back at 4:30 am, I’m bound to have better stuff to say then.
Oh, before I tell you my goals…My girlfriend A and I have had some rough years in similar ways recently. At the end of each year we came up with a cheesy slogan to sum up that year. Here are a couple, along with our projection for 2007.
Can’t Take No More in 2004
Got out Alive in 2005
Trying to Pick up the Sticks in 2006
A Little Taste of Heaven in 2007
OK, now some stuff I hope to accomplish in 2007:
- Join a book club. My brother and sister-in-law kicked this idea around with me yesterday. We’ve decided that our brains are going to turn to mashed potatoes without deliberate stimulation. So, I think we’re going to do a book club. My brother is not big into fiction, so we’re going to alternate fiction and non-fiction. I need a list of suggestions for either. Tell me if you have ideas. I want to read Freakonomics for some reason. Has anybody read this? Any thoughts?
- Return to my life’s trajectory pre-Ex. This is a pretty pathetic story, but it occurred to me yesterday and I cried. I was a junior in college. No, let me back up. I remember being 16 and having tremendous frustrations about my church. I remember feeling like a revolutionary, like things needed to change, like I was the one to effect such change. So I left my church. (Yeah, revolutionary, right?) Then I became Pentecostal. That wasn’t revolutionary, just stupid. By junior year of college, I had realized how stupid it was. Met Ex. He directed a youth ministry. It was pretty radical at the time. I liked that. I like him. It connected with my revolutionary spirit with regard to this church business. Big let down…it was more of the same old church mess all mixed up with Pentecostal mess. But, somehow it or he was enough for me to do a complete about face with regard to my life’s plans. I was walking across campus early one morning to my Constitutional Law class. I passed in front of McKeldin Library and the big bronze statue of Testudo, our mascot. I rubbed his nose for luck, I think. At that precise moment I made a terrible decision that has cost me a lot of time and heartache. I decided that if I were going to be the wife of a minister, there was no time for me to focus on law school. And, since it “obviously” wasn’t in the cards for me to go to law school, there was certainly no point in suffering through con law. I turned left, went to the Mitchell building and withdrew from the class. This was the day I lost my identity in his. I stopped defining myself in terms of me, always in terms of him: Ex’s girlfriend; Ex’s wife; Ex’s assistant pastor. Ex’s backbone and puppet-master, some would argue, but still in terms of him. I look back on that decision and I’m sad about it. It hurt to be able to pinpoint so clearly the day I chose to die and live in the shadow of a man. But, as much as I thought I’d feel overwhelming regret about it, I don’t. I’m studying for the LSAT. I work at a law firm. My boss (Harvard Law) is super supportive of me going to law school and thinks I’d make a great lawyer. I was worried for a while that my decision to think about going to law school was just the next thing on Lexi’s endless and always changing list of things she starts and never finishes. But as I reflect on how I got off track in the first place, I’m more confident than ever that I’m doing the right thing. The right thing for me, for a change. So, send me your neurons as I study for the LSAT, please. I’m not confident enough to take it in February, but I hope to be ready by June.
- Get this damned divorce finalized already. Maryland makes is so hard. There are so many hoops to jump through. At first I didn’t want to mention anything here about it, for fear that my plans will get back to him somehow (you know–dodging service of process or something). But now I don’t care. The papers are coming dammit. Sign them and let’s get this over with, will ya? I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, by the way.
- Lose 57.2 pounds. I’m gonna do this. Check in on me on Fine Tuning from time to time. I can’t believe I’ve told the world how much I weigh, but hey, I’ve told you much worse on this blog. Who cares?
- Release the resentment I have towards “church goers”. I’ve decided that my angst is not with Christians so much as it is the group of “church goers” who check their brains at the doors of the church, yet think they’ve got it all figured out because “the pastor said” or because “the Bible said”. Those are the ones who make me want to scream. I’ve done some pinpointing of the issues I’m frustrated with and I’ll elaborate on that on Unpacking Faith. Suffice it to say that I’m going to go to church Sunday to see if I can make it through the whole service without wanting to scream or pull out my hair. Just an experiment. No resolutions, goals or promises about going back to church. I just need to test the waters to see where I am.
- Spend more time with my family. I really love those folks. But I put them through hell over the last couple of years as I went on a tirade, digging up and exposing family secrets. As much as I needed to know the truth about some things (and tell the truth about some things) my timing might not have been ideal for everyone else involved. Regardless of how everybody feels about me at the moment, I love them more as a result of the whole shebang. I had good times with mom and dad last year. The year before I didn’t want to see them. (You know therapy makes you hate your parents for a least a good year.) I love them all so much and although I let many, many cats out of bags and bones out of closets I feel much better around them all. I love you guys. I feel like you finally know me and that’s all that matters, to me at least.
- Make more money and manage it better. This is an ongoing struggle, but I hope to get better with this this year. My boss initiated the raise conversation, but my Exec. Dir. is out on maternity leave. We’ll see what happens when everyone’s back in the office. The holidays wrecked any progress I’d made in money management. Good thing there were 3 checks in December. Hey, it’s a goal. Get off my back.
- Get re-acquainted with good music. This little number will help. It will also help me watch less TV. I’m also open to suggestions on this one. Andy sent me You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate. Everyone must have that song in his/her collection. Aw, I think this is “our” song. [blush, blush]
So that’s it for me for this year. Nothing too unattainable. I don’t think there’s any place where I’m “being to0 hard on myself” as I’ve been told I am, often. Maybe you see things differently. Let me know.
I’ll remember the funny stories later. I haven’t been awake long enough yet.