Quacks, Crack and Booty (I guess)

Last post too much of a downer for you? No problem, I’ve got lighter issues to discuss as well. Where to begin? Where to begin?

OK, the chiropractor. Talk about the best gig in town to rake in the dough!! I can’t go into the details of my personal experiences, as insurance companies still have checks to write and all, but let’s speak hypothetically, shall we? Let’s say someone gets into a car accident in the ice and should be dead, but actually lives to tell the story. I know it’s a stretch, but stick with me. She feels a little shaken up, but not too bad, but is warned that the next couple of days can be awful. She decides to see a chiropractor. And the gig begins.

First visit: one hour lesson on dealing with insurance companies, complete with referrals to personal injury lawyers, explanation of your personal injury coverage (so you know when they’ll stop paying him), a detailed explanation of when your health insurance can kick in and pay for treatment (when you complain of something new that wasn’t part of the accident), with x-rays of how your neck is jacked the hell up and probably was before the accident and is likely to cause problems in the future (remembering to emphasize that health insurance only pays for treatment while in the symptomatic phase); and 10 minutes on the hydro-massage bed.

Second visit: explanation of exactly what is wrong with your jacked up neck and how to fix it (should it ever cause pain in the future [wink, wink]) , hydro-massage bed and first adjustment. First adjustment? Yes, lay on table face down. Table bends and flaps. Chiroquackter pulls something to make the lower part of the bed snap down (to adjust your hips that aren’t level). Chiroquackter shows you his hand toys that make noise and buzz. He pokes the pokey one around your neck and shoulders and rubs the rubby one that vibrates around your neck and shoulders. Done. I’ll see you 3 times next week.

So, said hypothetical patient feels great. It was a 15 minute procedure where she was massaged, rubbed, vibrated and poked….and no happy ending!!!! What gives??? She was compelled to ask the Quacksician’s Assistant how much each session costs so that she can determine when to yell, “CURED!!” $105.00. OK, if hypothetical insurance covers $2500, that means 21 more sessions to go!

I believe in what chiropractors do…it’s just got to be the easiest money in town. I am SO in the wrong field.
Next, the rental car “pick-up”. I rented a car on Tuesday. I took it back on Friday because I was flying out to Santa Monica Saturday morning. No need in wasting the insurance company’s money with a car sitting in front of my house right? WRONG!

I went back this morning to get the car and despite my conversations the day before with the insurance adjuster, there was no record of the new claim ticket for the rental today. A couple of phone calls and there’s assurance that the company will pick up the tab, but adjuster is in the meeting. Charge the client and we’ll sort it out later. Well, um, no. I was just on business in L.A. for 5 days. I expend first and then I’m reimbursed. There was nothing left in the well for the Enterprise. Are you sure? Can’t we “swipe your card for $50?” Um, no. I know when I’m broke thank you. I didn’t cause this accident. I’m not paying for the rental. Somebody needs to fix this. Manager steps in. Says do the deal with no $ from me. Great. Right? Wrong.

Let me back up. The car rental guy is Thadeus. He’s a very tall, very Southern, very thickly accented, Black, church-boy. Any guesses on which one, singular identifier is the pejorative here? He was there the first time I rented and he was there this morning. He flirted the first time. I was rude. He said something about the Lord and I rolled my eyes. He tried to sell me a car, since mine was totaled, and I said, “Do I look like I’m in the mood for a sales pitch?” He asked me if I go to church. WTH? I said no and that I’m divorcing the pastor. He asked me if I was married to him. [crickets] I told him that that’s usually how divorces work. I was not in a good mood and certainly not in the mood to be picked up by T.D. Jakes’ little brother. It was not a good encounter. Thadeus was not there when I returned the car and he wasn’t there this morning. At first.

He came in and lit up like somebody had given him a word from the Lord that today was the day for his BREAK-through or something. I waved. The “I have no money” conversation ensued with Mr. Thadeus. Picking up where I left off, now we go to the car. He puts me in a dirty, salt and bird shit covered orange Kia Rio. What the hell is a Kia Rio? Of course I look at him like he’s a nutcase and here’s what he says to me, “See, my people. That’s just like my people. Come to rent a car with no money to put down and you want to complain about what you get.” OK, look M-Fer, YOUR people may have a reputation for ignorant shit. I don’t know who YOUR people are. I am apparently not one of whoever you are referring to. I am a customer. It shouldn’t matter who is paying the bill. I didn’t wake up this morning and decide that I’d try to go pull one over on Enterprise. I got crashed into by another motorist. I have no car. I probably would have chosen for the facts to be different. Regardless of how you’re being paid for my business, you are being paid for my business. Why do I get the shit car?

I needed to go to work, but I told him that I’d call later to confirm that the insurance company had handled business and to let him know that I’d be back to get a clean, decent car when the do. I called this afternoon. Things weren’t corrected yet. THEN Mr. Thadeus proceeds to ask me what I’m doing this weekend. I laughed because he couldn’t possibly be thinking of asking me out. I said I had a Girl’s Night on Saturday and that SuperBowl plans were up in the air. “So that means Sunday is free?” I ’bout died, but managed to say, “I can discuss my social calendar with you when you get me out of the shit car that shakes at 50mph.” UM? HELLO????? Are you kidding me? What’s worse is that he has all of my personal contact information on that dang application form. He will be one out of a job brotha’ if I hear from him. Trust.

Lastly, Girl’s Night. My cousins and I are taking a private group pole dancing lesson on Saturday and then coming back to my house for drinks and dinner, courtesy of C., the least likely of any of us to plan something like this…or so we thought. I can’t wait. It’s going to be a blast. Chiroquackter be damned! He might actually need to work for his money on Monday. I’m in charge of the drinks. Hmmmm??? We all share the same Irish sir name. We’re going pole dancing. What should we drink? I decided on Red-Headed Sluts and Pussy Poppers. They all like those pansy, sweet, girly drinks. Plus, couldn’t find better names for the occasion. Can’t wait to tell that story.

That’s it for tonight lovelies.



6 thoughts on “Quacks, Crack and Booty (I guess)

  1. It’s bad enough that you’re in a car accident, but now you have to deal with all of this crap. It’s horrible.

    I say Pussy Poppers. I like the name.

  2. I’m so sorry about your accident! And the ensuing drama. And the shit car. And then a crusty man on the side trying to holla at the most inappropriate time. But tomorrow shall erase it all (hopefully it will realign your neck?!?)

    As far as the drinks are concerned…
    Pussy Poppers!!!! ROFL!!! Aghhhhh! I’ve got to try both just because. I’ve been waiting for this night for awhile. I hate that I will have to leave early for work, but I still plan on a drink before I go.

    Feel better hun and see you tomorrow!

  3. YOU crack me up!. You have me lol in my office, not like I can explain what i’m laughing at. Geesh, I’ll have to read your posting at home. Sorry about the accident – wink wink – Congrats on the new car

  4. I saw that guy through the window. I’m not surprised that he was a moron.

    He’s gonna try to take you to church and save your soul. Better have plenty of Pussy Poppers the night before.

  5. I’ve sworn off chiropractic because I’ve been hurt by those guys. I’ve also seen them perform miracles, but the hype that accompanies it (and the sales pitches) I could do without.

    Sorry about your car rental woes. Thaddeus sounds like an Abomination under the Lord. I have no patience with proseletyzing… Religion is a personal matter, and I resent those who take advantage of every encounter to try to “save” me. If I am lost, I’m fine with it. So should they be.

    Seriously, I hope things get better soon. You must tell us about the pole dancing and pussy poppers, whatever they are. (And if they work.)

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