I have a new found respect for exotic dancers. Oooooooooouuuuch !!! My forearms hurt. My knees hurt. My muscles that pull your shoulders down and back hurt. I woke up a walking ball of pain this morning. My hat is off to the ladies who do this for a living. One hour of pole dancing has nearly killed me. I’ve taken months off from the gym and gone back like gangbusters. That produces soreness, but that soreness is not worthy to be compared to what I feel today. You go girls!!! They are athletes, for sure.
Girls’ night was a riot, as usual. Six of us took a private pole dancing class at a pole dancing fitness center and came back to my place for drinks and dinner. Our instructor Lindsey, stripper name Frankie, wore 6 inch heels and worked the crap out of that pole. She flipped upside down, spun and flipped, and supported her body weight with one arm. It was amazing. My cousins were pretty amazing too. The youngest climbed that pole like a little monkey. A couple of them mastered that spin you see in the picture. I was sure that if I tried to take both of my feet off the ground at the same time it would surely spell disaster. Surprisingly I survived a few spins and things, but climbing that pole was out of the question. My hands still ache from the accident, so there was no attempting to try to support all of my weight with them. You have to have most of your skin exposed to stick to the pole. That’s the trick. Lindsey said, “the big-boned dancers can do amazing things because they have more surface area to stick to the pole.” [crickets]
No. I need you to pause and take that in. I had to. Was she offering that bit of information for the benefit of everyone in the room? Hmmm? Was that just FYI or was I being accused of being “big-boned”? Let me tell all of America something. This ain’t BONE, ok??? I didn’t take any super-duper calcium tablets to increase bone mass. I don’t have a rare disorder that causes my bones to continue to grow though adulthood. I ate. A lot. And got FAT. This is fat, not big bones. Chubby, full-figured, plus-sized, voluptuous–those are euphemisms for fat. Big-boned is ridiculous. Don’t call me big-boned, Frankie, ok? According to her, if I were naked I would have stuck to that pole like a …
So, wanna know what I learned in How to Make More Money with what Yo’ Mamma Gave You 101? We covered quite a bit in one hour: stripper stance, stripper walk, hip roll, snake, trace, booty clap, self-play, G-string play, peek-a-boo, the $10 shot, fireman spin and a couple other spins whose names escape me right now. I think I was most surprised to realize that all these individual moves had their very own specialized name. My favorite was how not to give yourself a wedgie with G-string play. Don’t you already have a wedgie?
Once again I have concluded that I am in the wrong line of work. And I wasn’t alone. First, let me tell you about this bunch. We are no slouches. We’re all smart women. Of the 6 of us there are 2 M.A.s, 1 four classes away from an M.A., 1 MD candidate, 1 PsyD candidate, 1 J.D. candidate, 5 Bachelors in different disciplines (truth be told, I can’t remember everyone’s) and one in the making. The J.D. to be/B.S. Electrical Engineering says, after 3/4 of a pitcher of Pussy Poppers, “I just wanna be a video ho. I got to get out of my line of work. The stress just don’t pay off. I need to be a video ho and work one day a week and then I can go home and be with my baby. That’s where I need to be, with her. It’s not a sin, right? It’s the men that are sinning? Oh, is it a sin to tempt men?” Ah, it’s always fun for at least one other person in the room to have had more to drink than you did. I can’t even remember all of the laughs. But there were tons.
Let me just say this, every friend, if you’re really a friend, will take her girlfriend for at least one lesson as a bachelorette party gift. It’s a must. Have you ever done something, or been afraid to do something in the bedroom for fear that you will look stupid and be laughed at? Well, this class is for you. It’s the best positive reinforcement that, no ,what you’re doing is right, in fact, you can even afford to kick it up a notch. The booty clap was the most perfected skill of the evening. You can’t get the full effect with clothes on, so most of us will practice bare in privacy. Most of us. Some preferred to share with the group.
Once again, girls night did not disappoint. There was minor concern for whose DNA we may have brought home from the poles. But that tiny detail aside it was fun. I have the class schedule if anybody wants it. I’m going back.
For Discussion: Where is “booty”? In the front or in the back? (Before you answer consider the phrases “booty clap” and “get some booty”.)