I’m In the Silliest Mood Ever – UPDATED

I am in the craziest mood today. I’m sitting in my office today wondering how to convince my boss to let the office go home early. I want to try, “Boss, they crucified my Lord today.” I would enhance it by singing Were You There When they Crucified My Lord. But, she’d probably burst out laughing at me, as I wouldn’t be able to do it with a straight face. I didn’t even know it was Easter until a couple of days ago. I’m so out of the loop.

I have also decided that it’s time for me to get a puppy. I need a dog in my life. At first I couldn’t afford one, but things are a changin’ in the “Lex is perpetually broke” department. Stay tuned for that one down the pike. I do want a doggie though, and my apartment doesn’t allow them. I don’t want to move again, so I’m thinking of telling the rental office he’s my guide dog. Katrice doesn’t think they’ll buy a seeing-eye-yorkie. Stupid rental office people!

Katrice has an cubicle mate that talks to her incessantly and she can’t bring herself to tell him to shut the fuck up. So I told him for her today. We were IMing and I typed: SHUT UP, “DUDE” over and over again in our IM window as large and red as possible (I used his name), so if he turned around his nosy ass would see it. Katrice tried to keep typing to make my messages scroll. I think I won. Too bad he didn’t see it.

The subject matter of my work is rape. All day, everyday. Not a good combination with me in the mood I’m in. I have had some of the most politically incorrect laughs of all times in my office today. FemeNazi’s everywhere would have my head. I even laughed uncontrollably when telling the story of the mentally retarded victim who said she tried to kill herself by putting her hands around her own neck and squeezing “really, really hard”. F**k off and don’t tell me how inappropriate that was. I already know and it was still funny as hell. It still is!!

Some client keeps faxing us the same documents she’s already sent us 15 COPIES of. The damn fax machine won’t stop ringing. Our intern is freaking out and all I can do is laugh at her. People are so pushy when they want to get an attorney.

I am so broke this week that I keep waiting for a merchant to confiscate my debit card. Like everything else today, I’ll find that freaking hilarious too. I wonder if they’ll shred it on the spot.

There goes the damn fax again!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

The cleaning lady just came in and told us that we’re the only ones left in the building. Everyone else is gone.

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

The office phone just rang. The paralegal yells, “Not it!!” I answer the phone and the person has the wrong number. They ask for “Mrs. Davis”. I said there’s no Davis here. She asked, “Is your mom or dad home?” WTF???? Do I sound FIVE????

My nephew and Katrice and Kwesi’s kids tease me about being in one of these silly moods. They always say, “It’s the wine.” But, it’s never when I’ve been drinking wine or anything else for that matter. It’s just me being me. I promise you I did not avail myself of Austin Grill’s happy hour that starts at 2pm. That was last Friday.

The paralegal is singing. She is so damn tone deaf she makes Sanjaya sound like Elton John. Can someone type SHUT THE F**K UP, TIFF in my IM window. Pretty, please.

I really need a pitch for getting us sprung. I have spring fever so bad. Never mind that it’s snowing today. SNOW for Easter. What’s that Al Gore was talking about??

I had dinner with my cousin last night. It was so much fun. One day we’ll (me and you my blog buddy) have to chat about me and gay men. I’m a magnet for them and I can’t figure out why.

Done now. Going to shop for Yorkie guide dog. Peace.

And Happy Easter!!! (If I’m still allowed to say that after all of my irreverence.)

UPDATE: So, paralegal just announced that she has to pee. Intern tells her that we do have bathrooms down the hall. I suggest that we think of alternatives. How many different places have you peed? I used to pee over the side of the bathtub if someone was using the one and only toilet we had in our house. Or I’d pee in the sink next to the washing machine. I called that the “downstairs bathroom” as our washroom was in the basement. Anybody ever peed outside and end up peeing in your shoe? Or on the back of your waistband? I have.

Where have you peed?


9 thoughts on “I’m In the Silliest Mood Ever – UPDATED

  1. First to comment — yaay me!!

    Hmmm, lex — I think I’d like to have whatever the hell you’re on. You’re on some wild ride today.

  2. You are on full blast today! For not abusing any substance, you’ve been quite a riot.

    When I was pregnant, I couldn’t ride in the car for more than 30 minutes without having to pee. So I’ve gone in more large fast food soda cups than I can remember.

  3. I totally relate to both your need for a dog, and the un-p.c.ness of your humor at work.

    When I interviewed for my job as manager of a domestic violence shelter, I asked the Executive Director if there was a wedding chapel in the shelter.

    Amazingly, I got the job anyway, probably because she had zero sense of humor and thought I was serious. (Stupid didn’t matter, apparently.)

  4. Open up, doctor. It’s me again.

    Hey, Lex, did you disable comments on your animal totem post, or am I going blind?

  5. @ mist1

    I’ve had 2 cats. I loved them, but they’re not the animal for me. I can’t handle the litter box business.

    @ katrice

    Bwahahahahaha!! Not in a cup!!! What if the cup was too small and there was an overflow???

    @ Heart

    Ha! Wedding Chapel. I can’t tell you how many shelters get flowers delivered to them, at the “undisclosed” location. I’m glad my humor is appreciated.

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