…as long as you don’t answer yourself

I blog because I need to write.  I don’t  claim to be a particularly skilled writer, I just know that written words are the best way for me to see, hear, process what I’m thinking.  Many times, as with the previous post, I’m surprised by what comes out of me when I write.  The pages, these pages serve as a mirror to my Soul. 

I have been feeling drawn to go back and read my old journals from the period in my life when I was gaining strength to take a good look at myself and get honest and naked with myself for the first time.  This is also the period that led to my decision to leave my marriage and to begin this process of re-thinking who I am, what I believe and why I believe I am here.  I am afraid to go back and read these journals.  It wasn’t until two nights ago that I could really articulate why. 

At the risk of sounding like a freak, I journal in two voices.  One is my conscious voice to whomever (God, ex, family, friends) and the other voice speaks to my conscious self in the second person.  So, yeah, I write to myself.  I have always believed that these passages are God’s way of breaking through the distractions and speaking directly to me in black and white so that I can get it.  While those passages have always been deeply comforting and empowering to me, I’ve doubted them often.  “God wouldn’t say that,” I often tell myself.  I judge what I have written and struggle to make the words fit into the box I’d built around the concept I had of God at the time. 

Along this journey I have gotten to know a God who isn’t confined by a box and certainly not by a Bible.  I believe he resides in me and in you and in every created thing.  I still believe this is the voice that speaks to me as a write “to myself”.  I am afraid, though, that I’ll go back and read what I’ve written in the past and feel like something (then or now) is wrong.  I am afraid I will have to choose between that voice and the voice the comforts me today.  I am afraid to see where I was with the distance I have now and I’m not sure why.

(Big parentheses around this whole paragraph…

I really feel a merge of my blogs coming as I write this.  I haven’t said very much here or on Unpacking Faith lately about where this spiritual journey is taking me.  I plan to write about it more, and I will probably just do it here.  I can’t realistically separate myself into 3 divergent paths; after all, they really are one.  It’s almost like I inadvertently created a mind blog (this one), a body blog (Fine Tuning) and a spirit blog (Unpacking Faith).  God forbid I separate my mind from the other two!   

 …close parentheses).

So, I’m not sure why I am afraid to see where I was or who I was then.  I’m not sure what it will make me feel.  I know that it’s obviously something I need to do because the urge is so unrelenting.  I’m going to try to post after I read through them.  It may be stream of consciousness…wouldn’t that be fun!  At the very least, I’m sure it will remind me of parts of my story I’ve yet to tell. 

I’m not sure if You Know Who You Are still reads this, but if you do (and I know I still owe you an email response) I would love to hear you chime in on this one.   

Namaste!

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9 thoughts on “…as long as you don’t answer yourself

  1. OK, here goes.

    The reason your SHOULD re-read them is perspective. Profound truths become evident not in one reading of history, but in reanalysis of them with the perspective of time.

    Truth isnt ever harmful, only the effects of the truth. It takes us time to see that what we thought was the harmful part of an event wasnt, it was only the manifestation of it

    Re-read them, time has passed since you wrote them, you have been processing the information in your mind, and you have reached different viewpoints as you have sorted through it all.

    You may say “WOW, I never thought of that” as you do, and it will be an eye opener.

  2. I agree with LarryLilly.

    (I got about an hour of sleep this morning before work, so I’ll have to come back after my mind is functioning beyond 26.3 percent)

    Hugs!!!!!!!

  3. Doesn’t Elizabeth Gilbert speak to herself in her God voice in Eat, Pray, Love? When I read her I was thrown for a loop, as though I were reading you under another name; I just had the opposite experience when I got to that part of this post.

    When I think of past versions of me, I am alternately way proud, painfully embarrassed, or overwhelmingly sad – mostly the last two. And at my lowest times, I keep seeing I haven’t moved or come far.Doesn’t Elizabeth Gilbert speak to herself in her God voice in Eat, Pray, Love? When I read her I was thrown for a loop, as though I were reading you under another name; I just had the opposite experience when I got to that part of this post.

    When I think of past versions of me, I am alternately way proud, painfully embarrassed, or overwhelmingly sad – mostly the last two. And at my lowest times, I keep seeing I haven’t moved or come far.

    If you’re sure of yourself now, sure you won’t slide back into being the person you were before you began to Question Everything, then I wish you strength, but I think you’re strong enough to take the hit of whatever you find there, and I’m sure you’ll find joy in it as well. I think of your blogs as your way of preventing yourself from being awestruck by your own power of self-transformation and the courage to act on the fruits of your introspection. Overhauling yourself may have seemed like too great an undertaking or you didn’t know where to start, so you narrowed your focus to provide a jumpstart. I expect them to converge as you own the fullness of their measure and the totality of what you’ve accomplished.

    Go ‘head wit’ your bad self.

    If you’re sure of yourself now, sure you won’t slide back into being the person you were before you began to Question Everything, then I wish you strength, but I think you’re strong enough to take the hit of whatever you find there, and I’m sure you’ll find joy in it as well. I think of your blogs as your way of preventing yourself from being awestruck by your own power of self-transformation and the courage to act on the fruits of your introspection. Overhauling yourself may have seemed like too great an undertaking or you didn’t know where to start, so you narrowd your focus to provide a jumpstart. I expect them to converge as you own the fullness of their measure and the totality of what you’ve accomplished.

    Go ‘head wit’ your bad self.

  4. @ Larry and Jali

    You guys are right. I should spend some time reading them and I will this weekend since we’re getting snow and ice and I’ll be hunkered down in my wittle apartment making homemade soup.

    @ ~m~

    This time I’m glad you explained. I read your comment from my phone and I thought I needed to call Verizon.

    As you can imagine, I too was amazed by the similarities in our stories. It’s surely one of the reasons I am enjoying the book so much.

    I guess coming into your own is a powerful force. I had never thought of it that way. And I think you’re right about me splitting myself into digestible portions.

    I really am loving my life right now. This is an exciting place to be. I guess I just want to look on that other person as an observer….I don’t want to feel any of the pain. Yes, that’s it. That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to feel the pain I felt back then.

  5. I think you’ll feel pain for whom you were, like you want to help her or wish you had been there for her. You can’t feel that same pain again because you’re in a diiferent place and you’re a very different person. You may feel it the way, after learning to speak up for yourself, you’d look back on having been bullied.

  6. What always amazes me when reading thoughts from the past is just how much I’ve changed. Things that seemed so life-changing then wouldn’t be a blip on my radar today.

    Some of my old stuff is sad to read – I thought I was being so profound – I was spouting crap. (smile)

    I like my place today!

  7. Here’s an idea for you, and you should take it or leave it as you will: God presents itself to people in a way that they can absorb, deal with, and grow from. That way is not necessarily consistent across time and culture, but the goal is always the same–a good, productive life led with sincerity and dignity (or something along those lines).

    In other words, if God said one thing to you a year ago and seems to be saying something else to you today, maybe you need to consider what you needed to hear a year ago, what you need to hear today, and see God’s comments over time lead to the same place, albeit from different directions.

  8. Why fear if you’re sure of who you are now? If something is wrong, you’ll address it. Right? I know the steps are not easy to take, but you’re strong. Looking back will be better than you thought.

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