I blog because I need to write. I don’t claim to be a particularly skilled writer, I just know that written words are the best way for me to see, hear, process what I’m thinking. Many times, as with the previous post, I’m surprised by what comes out of me when I write. The pages, these pages serve as a mirror to my Soul.
I have been feeling drawn to go back and read my old journals from the period in my life when I was gaining strength to take a good look at myself and get honest and naked with myself for the first time. This is also the period that led to my decision to leave my marriage and to begin this process of re-thinking who I am, what I believe and why I believe I am here. I am afraid to go back and read these journals. It wasn’t until two nights ago that I could really articulate why.
At the risk of sounding like a freak, I journal in two voices. One is my conscious voice to whomever (God, ex, family, friends) and the other voice speaks to my conscious self in the second person. So, yeah, I write to myself. I have always believed that these passages are God’s way of breaking through the distractions and speaking directly to me in black and white so that I can get it. While those passages have always been deeply comforting and empowering to me, I’ve doubted them often. “God wouldn’t say that,” I often tell myself. I judge what I have written and struggle to make the words fit into the box I’d built around the concept I had of God at the time.
Along this journey I have gotten to know a God who isn’t confined by a box and certainly not by a Bible. I believe he resides in me and in you and in every created thing. I still believe this is the voice that speaks to me as a write “to myself”. I am afraid, though, that I’ll go back and read what I’ve written in the past and feel like something (then or now) is wrong. I am afraid I will have to choose between that voice and the voice the comforts me today. I am afraid to see where I was with the distance I have now and I’m not sure why.
(Big parentheses around this whole paragraph…
I really feel a merge of my blogs coming as I write this. I haven’t said very much here or on Unpacking Faith lately about where this spiritual journey is taking me. I plan to write about it more, and I will probably just do it here. I can’t realistically separate myself into 3 divergent paths; after all, they really are one. It’s almost like I inadvertently created a mind blog (this one), a body blog (Fine Tuning) and a spirit blog (Unpacking Faith). God forbid I separate my mind from the other two!
So, I’m not sure why I am afraid to see where I was or who I was then. I’m not sure what it will make me feel. I know that it’s obviously something I need to do because the urge is so unrelenting. I’m going to try to post after I read through them. It may be stream of consciousness…wouldn’t that be fun! At the very least, I’m sure it will remind me of parts of my story I’ve yet to tell.
I’m not sure if You Know Who You Are still reads this, but if you do (and I know I still owe you an email response) I would love to hear you chime in on this one.