Horny and Stressed

Here’s the thing. There are times, like today and the better part of the last two weeks for me, when I could really say to hell with meditation and centering, yoga and breathing, clear thinking and all the rest and just pound out some stress and tension between the sheets. In fact, lack of regular sex contributes to my stress and tension. I am sure of it. But a “lady” is not supposed to say those things, not supposed to feel that way. Here’s your only warning – this post was not written by a lady.

Now, by “regular sex”, I may not be speaking of the same thing most women my age have in mind. I am talking about twice a day– 4 orgasm each time minimum, sweaty, throat hurting, legs shaky, no holds barred, sky’s the limit regular sex. I am 35 and have been frustrated for the better part of my adult life for want of a satisfying sex life. I tried marriage. That resulted in vanilla sex 3 times a month (if that). Vanilla because he didn’t want to “think of me that way” (read: the way he thought of the folks he paid for sex with); and 3 times a month because – who the fuck knows? Worn out from other antics, I suppose. The bottom line is that a completely uninhibited and confidently skilled, beautiful woman starved for satisfying sex with her husband for years. A separated, completely uninhibited and confidently skilled, beautiful woman tread super cautiously into the dating world because well, one just must be in this day and age – to find that men her age and slightly older tire quickly, recover even less quickly and can await the next time much longer that she can.

A divorced and ready to move on woman hopes for a satisfying relationship, a child or two (if they come at the same time), transparency, partnership, passion and love that endures – with the person who enjoys (with her, for the record) the satisfying sex life described above. I am struggling today and most days with the frustration and fear of not being able to find it all in one place. Right now, I’m just frustrated because the last time I had sex was too damned long ago and it probably wasn’t even that long ago for most people!

When I am experiencing balance and peace in my life, I find it much easier than this week to live in the moment. I find it easier to enjoy each encounter for what it is, without wanting or needing or hoping to cling to it and make it last forever. When I’m stressed because – well, my grandmother just died, the job I had lined up to help me relocate across country got offered to someone else, my rent renewal notice gives me two impossible options (sign another one year lease with no increase in rent, or pay almost $100 more per month to go month-to month), I am faced with choosing between living in a town I can’t afford and not being able to afford the move to a city I can afford to live in, my health and wellness plan has been shot to shit for over a month with the routine interruptions and sadness of my grandmother dying, and the fact that the person who is most willing to rock my world is the person I least want to rock it – I find it impossible to live in the moment. I want to solve all the moments right now. I want to wave a wand and have my perfect life and I want the person I want to comply with my plan to fall into place – naked and beautiful and ready to go whenever and for as long as I am willing.

I really need to get laid. Can you tell?

No, seriously, I think I have exhausted maintenance sex.  I am a very sexual woman with a somewhat unusual sex drive (I’m learning). I want more than great sex yet I’m not willing to sacrifice great sex.  Wanting is exhausting in and of itself – and possibly counter productive.  I want to unleash the secret of making my perfect life happen for me.  Right now.  This moment.  Because I am so horny right now and I want to roll over in these moments and know that that desire is going to be satisfied right away.  Sheesh!

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Horny and Stressed

  1. A lady absolutely wrote this post!

    Rules for what is “ladylike” if by and for people who can’t bear to be real. Are you happy on your own and you want to share your life, or is your life lacking without a competent lover?

    Can you find a month-to-month or six-month lease that’s cheaper? Housesit? Trade domiciles with someone in your dreamtown? Prioritize and tackle these things one at a time, or start multiple fires burning and meditate while you wait?

    When I wish there were people in my life, I remember that I’m guilty of repeatedly trying to make one person everything I want in a friend. I might not do the same with a lover, but it’d be worse: I want what I want when I want it, I rarely compromise, and I won’t settle. I think I’d be crap in a relationship. I’m happy to give up on people until I erroneously try and fail again.

  2. I could have totally wrote this post, as I feel everything you said. Except the part about being married.

    I’m the same way. I have an extremely high sex drive that tends to intimidate men. I think that’s weird, but there it is. I’m also not willing to sacrifice great sex. I can’t settle for mediocre. Vanilla. Yuck.

    I’m right there with you. For me, there is not real serenity without great and regular sex.

  3. @ ~m~

    Yeah, after I finished, I realized that I didn’t really say anything too un-ladylike…with the exception of publicly discussing my sex life. Propriety be damned.

    And yes, I am thrilled with my life right now. I don’t need a relationship to feel complete or anything like that…I just want someone to share my life with and, most importantly at the moment, my bed –on the regular!

    @ debbie

    there is not real serenity without great and regular sex

    Amen!

    @ rawdawgb

    Is that an offer?!?!?! I like pomegranates. 😉

  4. I’m so sorry about your grandmother, Lex. I know how much she meant to you.

    Sadly, some of the best sex I have had was with a person I should never have been involved with for every other reason and then some.

    It is really, really hard to find everything in one marvelous package. But you are a most resourceful woman and you also finally understand that you deserve to have everything you want, so I do believe you will find that perfect relationship. And we’ll all be cheering loudly from the sidelines when you do.

  5. I am sorry about your grandmother. I just lost someone dear to me as well.

    As for the sex frustration…I feel ya lady! (lol) My sex drive is a bit high I’ll admit. In my perfect world I’m having 2 orgasms a day minimum but I’m learning to accept and adjust to others around me. But every now and I feel exactly how you feel in this post so next time I feel this way I’ll just refer back here because I could not describe this feeling any better than you did.

    Hang in there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s