I’m a Believer!

Im Free to be Perfectly Balanced

I'm Free to be Perfectly Balanced

Today I am absolutely convinced of the power of intention.  I am finding my comfy spot in what has been, up to this point, a love-hate relationship with it.  I love that I spent December 31st setting intentions for 2009 and that when I reviewed that list on January 31st a significant portion, 9 of 39 actually, of those intentions have already manifested.  I hate that this means that I have wasted a lot of time believing that the outcome of my life was up to someone else.  And I hate that it means that a lot of the mess in my life has been self-induced because I didn’t know any better.  Meh. Water under the bridge — now I know, and it’s on!

In class Sunday (at Institute for Integrative Nutrition, where I’m studying to be a holistic health counselor) we were asked to write down some intentions for the next week.  I set the intention to let go of a relationship that’s standing in the way of another intention — to have the relationship I want.  I specifically set Friday as my target date to have this completed.  Wouldn’t you know that on the bus from NY last night I couldn’t shake the urgency to go ahead and end it.  The email composed itself in my head as the tears streamed down my face.  The knot in my stomach grew tighter and tighter and served as my reminder of how much energy I was sending into this wasteland.  The tears were cleansing — a loss is a loss — but were also mixed with a bit of fear.  I worried that I’d have to lose the entire friendship and not just the part that’s standing in the way of my future. Well, it’s Monday and by 9:00 this morning it was all done.  Finished. Over.  And the friendship remains in tact. Upon re-reading the specific intention I wrote down – it says, “Release “Guy” – while hopefully maintaining the friendship.”  So which would you say was more real, more powerful?  My fear of losing the friendship or the intention to keep it?  This grows curiouser and curiouser and I’m having fun with it all.

And that’s just one example–there are so many more here as I flip through my journal.  Get clear on what you want in life and the Universe delivers.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this work in my life in the past few months alone — and, if I’m honest, I can see how it worked when I was clear about how miserable my life was as well.  What you give your energy to grows — I’m such a believer!

So my energy is going toward creating the life I want.  It’s happening so fast it’s a little mind boggling.  The number of like-minded people who have come into my world is astounding.  They don’t come close to outnumbering the one’s who think I’m weird — but they definitely out-shine them.  There will always be those who think Lex is off her rocker.  They’ve always been around.  The only difference is that now they don’t affect me — not one single bit.  In fact, they amuse me.  Through it all I dare them, just dare them to try it.  Put more energy into your happiness than you do into your misery and see what happens!

Ah.  Loving life at the moment, Folks.  Loving it immensely.

Im free to do what I want any old time
Im free to do what I want any old time
So love me hold me love me hold me
Im free any old time to get what I want

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Clearance

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I had a revelation today while yacking it up with a friend of mine on the phone tonight.  We were talking about the merits of having a baby versus (my words) buying a baby.  I said, kinda tongue in cheek, that I think I’ll try to have one because that’s cheaper than trying to buy one.  I mean, think about it.  Somebody on a budget doesn’t really need to be at an open house at an orphanage.  I joked that I’d be the one asking which kid was on clearance.  I noted that that is exactly the same way I make all other purchases in my life — how good of a product can I get on the cheap — and that buying a kid would be no different.  Then it happened.  The revelation.

This is how I make decisions in my life about men too!  I’ve bought from the clearance rack!  Slightly irregular, a button I can sew back on, a stain on the collar that I can wash out, broken zipper I’ll use to negotiate the price at the counter — but otherwise, he’s a perfectly good man.  Ha!  What a breakthrough.  My cheapness runs  deeper than my wallet.

I have sold myself short.  I have believed that I don’t deserve to shop from the front of the store.  Instead of shopping for what I really want,  or waiting for what I really want to come into the store, I settle for the low hanging fruit which require less energy (and money) to acquire.  I have settled for the clearance rack.  This is eye-opening.

I have lost 23 pounds since October.  My clothes look silly falling off of me.  I need to buy new ones, but I have a lot more weight to lose, so I don’t really want to spend a lot of money on this in-between size.  I was all set to go to the clearance rack of the already discount store of God — Marshall’s– to find a pair of cheap black slacks and a pair of jeans that fit.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to go buy a pair from the front of the store as an object lesson that I deserve and can have better.  I love a good bargain, but the clearance rack is not the place to shop for life partners or kids.  Eureka!

What we resist persists?

I’ve been trying to observe how the notion that “what you resist persists” plays out in my day to day life. I first noticed it with my all out aversion to all things Christian. The more I resisted, avoided, stewed against these ideas, people, whatever – the more the annoyance and my unresolved feelings continued to eat away at me. When I finally got to the place where I could chalk Christianity up to someone’s religious choice, regardless of my past experience with it, I was able to respect it and not be offended by some things as much as I was. This is still very much a work in progress, so probably not the best example. Here’s another one.

I have always claimed to be a city girl. I resist all things I perceive as “country” – like Katrice’s old neighborhood in Dallas where you had to wait for sheep to cross the street at times. [crickets] Yeah, so, that’s just not what I’m used to or what I consider to be the least bit appealing. But I’m starting to re-think that. I claim that I want a lifestyle in which I am not consumed by the hustle and bustle of getting ahead; not entrapped by the capitalist rat race; not driven my materialism but rather am free to take time to smell the roses, enjoy life, eat meals slowly, have long walks and long talks without having to rush to the next thing. Like, I’d love to sit on a swing on the front porch in the summertime and drink lemonade and watch the kids run through the sprinklers and chase them down with Super-soakers, while snapping fresh green beans from the garden, eating a tomato I picked right off the vine on the side of the porch. That’s country living. My identification with being a city girl belies my heart’s desire, I think.

I started looking for cute city apartments (read: small and over-priced apartments) in Dallas yesterday. But, you know, even if I have to endure a commute from hell, I think I’m going to stick with the big luxurious reasonably priced apartments in the country (read: down the road from Katrice). Debbie suggested Boulder, Colorado. I checked pics out on the web and almost wept when I saw those glorious Rockies.

The mountains CALL ME, People. Do you hear me? I belong there! But the job market in Colorado? Not so much. Dallas is the desert?!?! But at least it’s not the Nation’s Capital and there are people there I love, and the city is just so darn cute, and I can have a DOG!!! Maybe slow-living will help me happen upon a country-guy with family values, raised by his Grandma who knows how to treat a lady riiight?

What do you think about the statement, “what you resist persists”? I think resisting country living has held me captive in a life I loathe.