A couple of days removed from the armed robbery in front of my building and following yoga and meditation on this glorious morning, I am in a much better place. There is something to be said for ritual and its ability to bring you right back to the heart of it all.
This morning, I realize that anger, fear and worry will not buy me one moment of peace or safety. So, I let it go. And I am thankful to this person for reminding me to be present and aware, even as I am walking from my car at night. Sounds all mashed potatoes and Pollyanna, I know. But it’s the choice I make today, for myself. Am I 100% at peace? No. But at least I can be present to what I am feeling and free to choose who I want to be in response to this.
Have a great day! It’s a gorgeous one.
I will do my work honestly.
….so I can get out of the office as quickly as possible and enjoy the sunshine!
Last night I decided to create a mediation space in my apartment. I pushed my couches closer together and made room between my sunny yellow couch and my patio door. I bought a meditation pillow, a beautiful sari –style table runner, a little stand for my candle and a beautifully ornate box for other things I might need in that space. It is altogether lovely.
Creating this space was precipitated by me placing Post-It notes all over the apartment the day before that say, “Have you been still today?” Yes, it’s that bad. I really have to force myself to stop doing all the time and practice just being.
And, in the meantime, I’ve devised my master plan. I am going to move to Dallas and get a cheap 2 bedroom apartment (one for my bed, the other will be my yoga/meditation room), get a stress free job to keep me fed, while I write the national bestseller that I know is in me (somewhere), study integrative nutrition, philosophy, yoga and massage. Once the bestseller is fully realized I will travel the world discussing its themes and, back home, open a wellness center. This will be my life – helping others heal and become their best, enlightened, conscious selves.
This is my ideal life – doing what I can to restore balance to the world, one soul at a time – beginning with my own.
Sometimes I have plans to sit quietly at home in the evening and enjoy a meal without television, internet or a book.I usually am completely unsuccessful in these attempts.At one point I thought I was avoiding the loneliness of eating alone again, and maybe that was a small part of it, but there’s more to it.I have a hard time sitting still.
As I begin to study more about spirituality (in tremendous contrast to religion) I find that I avoid, run from, am maybe even a little afraid of that which I seek after the most.I want to connect to that which is bigger than I.I want to know my own soul and hear its truth and its direction.I want answers I know I already possess, but I’m afraid to sit and listen.I am afraid to be still and know that I am God.(Typing that last sentence freaked me out because, as a partial quote from the Bible, my use of it will surely be interpreted as blasphemous by many. )But it’s true– the thought of sitting and contemplating my power and my connection to everything, the thought of quieting my thoughts to find what exists beyond them entices and scares me at the same time.
I don’t feel trepidation or anything.I’m not shaking in my boots when I think about meditating or praying or just being still and quiet – but I avoid it.Even this weekend, as quiet and peaceful as it was, I had my books.My mind had to remain constantly engaged.You may have read the list in the previous post.I am addicted.I thirst for knowledge and am addicted to ideas.I am beginning to realize that my addiction to ideas is impeding true knowledge—the knowledge that only comes from going within.I sound like some freaky mystic, but I know that what I say is true.I am avoiding myself.I’m afraid that I am more than I ever could have imagined and I’m not sure how I’ll handle that knowledge.
I want to hear from folks who have taken the journey within.Share your stories with me.How did you get past the fear of the silence?How did you force yourself to be still?Is it incremental?A daily practice?A month long retreat?Please share.