I’m a Believer!

Im Free to be Perfectly Balanced

I'm Free to be Perfectly Balanced

Today I am absolutely convinced of the power of intention.  I am finding my comfy spot in what has been, up to this point, a love-hate relationship with it.  I love that I spent December 31st setting intentions for 2009 and that when I reviewed that list on January 31st a significant portion, 9 of 39 actually, of those intentions have already manifested.  I hate that this means that I have wasted a lot of time believing that the outcome of my life was up to someone else.  And I hate that it means that a lot of the mess in my life has been self-induced because I didn’t know any better.  Meh. Water under the bridge — now I know, and it’s on!

In class Sunday (at Institute for Integrative Nutrition, where I’m studying to be a holistic health counselor) we were asked to write down some intentions for the next week.  I set the intention to let go of a relationship that’s standing in the way of another intention — to have the relationship I want.  I specifically set Friday as my target date to have this completed.  Wouldn’t you know that on the bus from NY last night I couldn’t shake the urgency to go ahead and end it.  The email composed itself in my head as the tears streamed down my face.  The knot in my stomach grew tighter and tighter and served as my reminder of how much energy I was sending into this wasteland.  The tears were cleansing — a loss is a loss — but were also mixed with a bit of fear.  I worried that I’d have to lose the entire friendship and not just the part that’s standing in the way of my future. Well, it’s Monday and by 9:00 this morning it was all done.  Finished. Over.  And the friendship remains in tact. Upon re-reading the specific intention I wrote down – it says, “Release “Guy” – while hopefully maintaining the friendship.”  So which would you say was more real, more powerful?  My fear of losing the friendship or the intention to keep it?  This grows curiouser and curiouser and I’m having fun with it all.

And that’s just one example–there are so many more here as I flip through my journal.  Get clear on what you want in life and the Universe delivers.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this work in my life in the past few months alone — and, if I’m honest, I can see how it worked when I was clear about how miserable my life was as well.  What you give your energy to grows — I’m such a believer!

So my energy is going toward creating the life I want.  It’s happening so fast it’s a little mind boggling.  The number of like-minded people who have come into my world is astounding.  They don’t come close to outnumbering the one’s who think I’m weird — but they definitely out-shine them.  There will always be those who think Lex is off her rocker.  They’ve always been around.  The only difference is that now they don’t affect me — not one single bit.  In fact, they amuse me.  Through it all I dare them, just dare them to try it.  Put more energy into your happiness than you do into your misery and see what happens!

Ah.  Loving life at the moment, Folks.  Loving it immensely.

Im free to do what I want any old time
Im free to do what I want any old time
So love me hold me love me hold me
Im free any old time to get what I want

I Complicate It Daily

I haven’t just let it rip here in a long time. I’m feeling like I need something cathartic right now, so I’m going to try to just let this flow without too much self-editing (or trying to make it pretty). If I bore you – come back later. It gets better. I promise.

Part of my life is going so incredibly well. I have left a stressful job in a toxic, insane, unethical workplace and returned to the field I am passionate about – women’s rights – in an employee friendly workplace where I am valued for what I bring to the table and not for how much someone can get out of me. I feel clear about my lane and completely empowered to manage my own project and totally supported should I need any guidance or assistance along the way.

I took a significant pay cut, but my peace of mind is worth every penny. I look at the difference in pay as my financial contribution to the social justice cause I am most passionate about – ending violence against women. I’m proud of the fact that, although I took a pay cut, I was able to speak up for myself and my worth and negotiate a reduced work week so that 1) my pay rate reflects my skill and capabilities and 2) I have time in my life to study, take care of myself or find supplemental work without having to work more than 40 hours per week. My work schedule is completely flexible and if I find a contract that requires fixed hours, my boss is happy to adjust my schedule to accommodate whatever I need to do to make the money I want to make. I honestly can’t ask for anything more. I am completely blessed in this situation. The contentment I feel is the kind of peace which assures you that you’ve made the right decision. Not one single regret with this one. Not one.

I have become much more settled and balanced in my Primary Foods – those things that really nourish us in this life: healthy relationships, regular physical exercise, a fulfilling career and a spiritual practice. I just talked about the career part. Physically these days I am enjoying long walks through the trails through the woods in the park near my house and yoga outside in the park. Even started jogging a bit again. Nothing on earth is more peaceful and serene than being outside breathing deeply in the fall. I could live outside this entire season. I love fall. I am in my element in the fall. As a result, I’ve dropped 9 pounds since I left my old job. Yoga is becoming more and more of a necessity in my life and I’ve discovered that the possibilities of where my meditation practice takes me are endless. I am nowhere near as consistent in either practice as I’d like to be – but they provide a grounded, sacred space for me to work out my spirituality. Healthy relationships?? Hmmm. Let’s come back to that.

I have been confronted with the need to answer a question that has haunted me since the playground taunts in elementary school: Who do you think you are? Any time I have heard that question in my life has been an instance of someone attempting to minimize an attribute. Lexi’s smart. “Who does she think she is?” Lexi’s cute. “Who does she think she is?” Lexi has a great shape. “Who does she think she is?” Lexi has skills in the office that other co-workers don’t. “Who does she think she is?” I’ve noticed how I have attempted to shrink and hide in many a creative way to avoid having that question come up. I honestly believe that , on some level, packing on this weight over the years has been an effort to hide from, as Marianne Williamson puts it, my light. So, I am ready, I think, to finally answer that question. Who DO I think I am? Who do you think YOU are? I am planning to answer that question in a post really soon.

By and large, things are great in my life. I feel like I am on my path. I am happy. But…

Healthy relationships? Let’s see. I have healthy relationships with wonderful friends. I have friends, great friends. But, even in their greatness, they are so normal and human. That means that I deal with jealousy and insecurity, difference of opinion, questions of trust, hurt feelings, forgiveness and all the other things that go along with human interaction with and among my wonderful friends. I have great family. My immediate family has been through many changes, twists, turns and growing pains. I take responsibility for being the catalyst (or cause – depending on your perspective) of much of that. The result is that we love the hell out of each other, pretty much have a no holds barred approach to confronting issues when they arise and we generally have a great time together. I am loving living with my parents again and I love my brother and SIL and nephew so much I could eat them. My extended family has its quirks and challenges but, in the end, we’re family and there’s no major drama going on at the moment (at least that anyone’s telling me about – which is perfectly fine by me.) Friends and family. Lovely. I am blessed. I am thankful.

But I want a partner. Period. I am finally there. I’ve been through many phases post-divorce, the most recent being dating non-exclusively (or wildin’ out a bit – depending on your perspective) and I am done with it. I’ve actually been over it for a while, but I’ve been too afraid to completely let go of anyone and completely leave myself – dare I say it – alone. I think while I was in the phase of not wanting to see anyone exclusively I consistently picked men who, for one reason or another, were unavailable – practically or emotionally, or both. I have recently found myself drawn to yet another situation of this nature and I am really, really over it. But I struggle. My timing was off. I shouldn’t have let me heart want something more before I completely ended the relationships I started in which something more was not part of the deal. Now I find myself trying to fit square pegs into round holes rather than create a void and just learn to either experience and be with the emptiness, or wait for the Universe to fill the vacuum it abhors. I feel like I’m leaning in when it comes to my relationships with the guys in my life right now and that is not the posture I want. I feel like I’m giving my power away rather than standing in my power and allowing the universe to respond to my intention.

Those last 3 sentences probably sound like metaphysical mumbo-jumbo to most, but they are principles that have become a significant part of how I view the world and life in general.

So here I am, afraid to let go, afraid to hold on. I know the only answer if for me sit with and explore that fear, but I avoid it. I complicate it. Daily.

Words Fail Me

There is so much going on with me that I want to write about, but I am struggling with wanting to write it here.  This paragraph from Enlightenment for Idiots, by Anne Cushman, captures my struggle:

But doing walking meditation in the garden, it hit me how blissful it was to be without words, to be in direct contact with experience instead: the sun on my face. The brilliant crimson of the hibiscus. The stench of the sewer in the street. The twitching of my baby inside me. The glimpse of wordless bliss was so powerful that I was seized with the compulsion to sneak back into my room and find my journal. You want to capture the butterflies of experience in the net of words, I told myself sternly. But all you’ll have left is dead bugs. Then I sat on my cushion and recited this insight over and over, so I would remember to write it down.

Some wonderful, challenging, enlightening things are happening with me — but words just seem to diminish it all.  Maybe not diminish, but they fall way short of capturing it all and the effort hardly seems worth it.

Maybe I’ll find pictures.