A Whole Buncha Stuff

Ahhhhhhhhhh. It’s Friday and I am home, undressed and resting on my couch with a glass of Shiraz. I have just consciously released the last bit of tension from the work week and am ready to settle in to a relaxing weekend. I am supposed to be just at home for a minute to change my clothes and meet friends at a club in the city…but no, this is much better. They’ll give me hell for it on Monday, but that’s OK. I’m used to it.

I almost blew a surprise tonight. People, I need you to know that if you invite someone to a function that is a surprise, you must advise them of such. I was so close to blowing it today I could taste it. Not good.

How was your Valentine’s Day? I’d love to hear about it. I sat in the office and watched all the flowers and cards pour in. It was swickening. Yes, that’s my oxymoronic hybrid of sweet and sickening. I’m happy for people who are in love and get sweet gestures on special days. I’d be more impressed if women got flowers at the office on the Third Tuesday in March or some other random day, but whatever works. Sometimes men can be morons and they need a big blaring pink and red reminder on their calendars to do something remotely decent for the women who adore them and clean their funky socks. You know what I hated about holidays with Ex? I always had to pick my own present. Eff that! OK? I’d rather not get a gift at all than pick it myself. If I have to pick a gift myself, I might as well buy it too. I need a man to think and choose. I’m not hard to please, so he can hardly go wrong. Think. Choose. Give. I am a happy lady.

I don’t have a love yet, but I’m finally open to the idea. Divorce is less than a month away guys!!! Can you believe it? I separated from Ex on April 23, 2005. It has been nearly 3 years!!! This has taken way longer than any divorce in any state in the union should ever take but, alas, it will be over March 14th. Wanna know something funny? That’s the same day my brother divorced his first wife. How weird is that? Right? Sorry, I got sidetracked. I was talking about love.

I think I’m open to love again. I’m close enough to the divorce that I don’t give a shit about saying that I am dating now and have been for some time. This is one of the topics I’ve shied away from on this blog for fear that he’d accuse me of adultery or some shit like that. Yeah, me the adulterer. Imagine THAT! Anyway, I am not dating anyone exclusively and I feel like I have some kind of mental block when it comes to considering a love relationship with anyone. I need closure. So many people have assured me that my marriage was over a long time ago, blah, blah, blah. But I need to hear the gavel pound before I feel like I can consider myself available for that kind of relationship again. Is that weird to anyone? I feel fine dating and…ehem…stuff, but I just feel like I can’t responsibly consider what a relationship might look like until this baggage is neatly disposed of forever. Does that make sense to you?

So, with that said, there was no Valentine for Lexi. It was cool though. I hated the holiday for the entire 12 years we were together, so it was actually an improvement to be neutral this year. Last year I was all about V-Day and anti-violence against women stuff, so I was distracted from whatever I felt about the Cupid aspects of the day. Has anybody else dated or married anyone whom you are certain made a deliberate effort to start World War III right before a holiday or anniversary. I swear by all that is holy that Ex did this to get out of buying gifts. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I could set my clock by this. If a gift-giving, affection expressing holiday were on the horizon, attitude and fighting ensued. Cheap-ass! I’m sure he isn’t the only one.

I actually dreamed about him last night. I stopped by the house to take him a check. In real life, I really do need to get a mortgage escrow check to him. Anyway, when I went by we were all friendly and talking about his new girlfriend he was trying to deny and I hugged him and wished him well. In a perfect world, right? I really would like to be able to wish him well in his life without me, but he had such a hostile disposition when I saw him in court in November, that I just don ‘t think that’s in the cards for us. At the end of the day, he did some fucked up shit to me; I was a bitch because I was sick of it and I left. I just wish that somehow we could both acknowledge those truths and agree to move on and wish each other well. I want fairytale closure. One can hope. I really don’t hate him, despite it all. There are things about him that I really loved and admired. Too bad we can’t be friends who just couldn’t make it as husband and wife. That’s how it would end in my fairytale.

Enough about that. It’s FRIDAY and I have no plans to work at all this weekend, unlike the past 3 weekends in a row. Whooo – effing — Hooo!!! How cool. I’m going to buy a coffee table tomorrow. My parents gave me gift cards to get one for Christmas, but I haven’t had time to go yet. I’m going to IKEA because I’m cheap like that. I left an Ethan Allen table with Ex. Don’t curse my name, Ladies. It wasn’t worth fighting for. I took the couches.

Have a great weekend. I hope to get caught up on all your blogs and maybe even write more this weekend. I’m backed up! It’s been that long.

Peace.

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I’m Back and I Love You.

I can’t believe I’ve only blogged twice since the beginning of the year. That is a shame. But, as you read in the previous post, I have been very busy with work. It’s a good thing, for the most part. I’ve been promoted in less than a year. With that promotion comes a lot of added responsibility and HOURS, so I’m trying to find balance once again. Isn’t that what life is all about? Growing and re-establishing balance.

My apartment is clean. All suitcases are unpacked. I am taking time for myself last thing each evening and first thing each morning. I’m eating well. So things are good. I am not exercising like I’d like to be because I’m struggling to find time. I have prioritized being in bed by 10pm over almost everything else. So, it’s not a perfect world, but I’m getting there.

I’m eating animal protein again. I’ve been meat free for 8 months, working with a natural health counselor since November. We have tried many combinations of supplements and foods to get me the amount of protein my body needs, but it’s not working for me. I am a protein metabolic type and it’s almost impossible for us to be successful as vegetarians. I am a lot less stressed about meal planning since the switch back. But I still only eat whole foods and organic, hormone and antibiotic free meat. No trash going into the temple as long as I can control it. I feel a lot more stable since the switch. I am sustained a lot longer between meals. I started losing weight again. Weight loss had been such a yo-yo experience as a vegetarian. I am consistently moving in the downward direction now and that makes me happy. We’ll see. I have 5 more sessions with my current program with my counselor. We’ll see where I land.

I am so excited about where my career is going. I feel like I need to put in my time now while I am single (well, let’s not get technical) and childless to secure my financial future. I’ll put in the long hours and hard work now, so I can devote time to other things when the come. And yes, I expect them to come. I want to be a mom and I want to be married (omg, I said it) to a man I can’t imagine life without. Do I see either of those circumstances on the horizon? No more than I can see tomorrow’s sunrise…but I know it’s coming!

So, I’ve missed you all. I’m trying to find balance in my new lifestyle. I’m happy and healthy and filled with love for each of you and for all of my “real life” family and friends.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. I don’t have a Valentine, per se, but I have lots of folks I love dearly. That’s priceless to me. You know who you are and I wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day. May you share your day in the warm embrace of true, sweet love.

I’ll see you when I get there!

Peace.