Dear Blog,

Dear Blog,

Oh how I miss you.  Your were my refuge,  my safe place.  The place where I threw caution to the wind and just let it rip. And then I cheated on you with Facebook and Twitter and, more than ever before, I am worried about who might find what I have to say.

I remember when I started you that that was precisely the point – to take the risk and find my voice and say whatever I needed to say, no matter who was reading.  I find it necessary to censor myself in status updates, but I don’t want to carry that energy over here too.  I love writing about whatever is on my mind, and boy is there a lot on my mind.

I also know that once again, what I really want to write about has the potential to hurt other people – some I should care about, some I shouldn’t.  Not that I shouldn’t care about hurting people, just that if not hurting them is at the expense of not being free to tell my story, I don’t care.  Ya dig?

I went to a storytelling workshop a few weeks ago.  It was very interesting and, for the first time, I found courage to play around with fiction.  I don’t read much fiction, so I’ve never really considered stories from the storyteller’s perspective.  I’ve never considered it such a spiritual process as I found it to be, storytelling.  The workshop was led by Nancy Mellon and I bought her most recent book Body Eloquence.  I’m hoping it will encourage me to tell the story my body holds in whatever way it chooses to come out.

The following weekend, I went to another workshop that connected the somatic experience with writing, rather that allowed the somatic experience to drive the writing.  Writing is a core component of my spiritual practice.  I never imagined it would go the way it’s headed.  But I’m gonna follow my muse where she leads me.

I’ll be back to you real soon.  I really miss you.

Peace,

Lex

Words Fail Me

There is so much going on with me that I want to write about, but I am struggling with wanting to write it here.  This paragraph from Enlightenment for Idiots, by Anne Cushman, captures my struggle:

But doing walking meditation in the garden, it hit me how blissful it was to be without words, to be in direct contact with experience instead: the sun on my face. The brilliant crimson of the hibiscus. The stench of the sewer in the street. The twitching of my baby inside me. The glimpse of wordless bliss was so powerful that I was seized with the compulsion to sneak back into my room and find my journal. You want to capture the butterflies of experience in the net of words, I told myself sternly. But all you’ll have left is dead bugs. Then I sat on my cushion and recited this insight over and over, so I would remember to write it down.

Some wonderful, challenging, enlightening things are happening with me — but words just seem to diminish it all.  Maybe not diminish, but they fall way short of capturing it all and the effort hardly seems worth it.

Maybe I’ll find pictures.

 

Write the Vision

Bariloche, Argentina -- where I fell in love with mountains and lakes.

Bariloche, Argentina -- where I fell in love with mountains and lakes.

Somehow, in a conversation with a friend of mine today about how I am doing, we ended up talking about creating the life we want. He told me that he thought it was ballsy of me to be making the decisions I am making in order to have that very life. I told him that I didn’t think it was ballsy, necessarily, but that it was just a matter of getting clear about it. I honestly believe that, when we get clear about what we want, the universe sets things in motion to manifest those things. I don’t have any answers for how that works. I just know that I am witnessing it in my own life and I believe it.

I encouraged him to do an activity I did back in February and I encourage anyone here who wants to get clear on the life they want to try it as well. I read my response to the prompt for the first time today and I am so tickled by the ways I am closer I am to this life now than I was when I wrote it. Here’s the prompt and my response follows.

I was guided in this prompt by my holistic health practitioner. If there is some source I should credit for it, I am not aware of it and I will gladly give credit if someone informs me of the source.

Imagine life if nothing stopped you. What would optimal life look like?

If anything were possible quickly, easily, now — what would life look like? Who would you be? Where would you live? What would you feel like? What would you look like? How much money would you be making?

Here’s what I wrote on February 10, 2008 — complete stream of consciousness.

If nothing stopped me, I would be able to do what I wanted whenever I had the unction. I would be able to follow my heart, throw caution to the wind and be alleviated of the burden of practicality.

In my optimal life, I would be independently wealthy. I don’t care if I inherited the wealth or worked hard for it. I would be free of the daily grind of having to work according to someone else’s schedule.

I would have apartments in great cities around the word: Seattle, New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Milan, Buenos Aires, Santiago de Chile. And cottages in picturesque mountain areas: Mammoth Lakes, Aspen, Bariloche, etc.

I would visit whichever city I wanted and have complete furnishings in each place.

My family would want for nothing and be in perfect health. My parents will be retired and have everything the ever wanted. The would never have to worry about money or making sure we were okay ever again. My extended family will be able to count on e if they ever needed anything — and I would have awesome boundaries to be able to say no when/if they ever took advantage.

I would be peaceful. I would start my days peacefully and contemplatively — not worried about racing against a clock. I’d have tea in the mornings, exercise, have a healthy breakfast and begin my day.

My days would consist of contributing in some way to a cause that matters to me:

  • Lobbying on anti-violence against women issues
  • Child sexual abuse awareness
  • African-American self-image

As I look back on this, there are already things that make me cringe and ways the vision has changed. It will be interesting to observe the evolution of this vision.

I would dance and have cocktails in the evenings with friends, colleagues in my movements and/or other contemplatives.

I would feel happy, loved, fulfilled as a woman-wife-mother, socially responsible, healthy, self-aware, enlightened, energetic, serene, free.

I would sit and talk to people a lot.

I would write about the things that are ablaze in my heart at the moment.

I’d tell my story. I think I would be telling my story and encouraging others to face and share theirs.

I would be a good size 8 with muscle definition and keep breasts a D-cup still.

I would have a style all m own that a stylist would have to help me define – since I am useless at it.

My hair would be in some style that is easy to go from the gym to the boardroom with little effort.

I would look dazzling in my high-heels that don’t hurt!

I would feel deep love and devotion for someone who shares the same feelings for me. I would feel encouraged by this person to be my own person and follow my passions. We would cook together and complement each other well in our personal settings and public ones. We’d easily fit in with each other’s circle of friends–without needing to blend them necessarily.

I would have one child — a daughter who would travel with us as much as possible. She would speak at least 2 languages as I would emphasize the importance of a global perspective to her in terms of:

  • business opportunities
  • social justice
  • philosophy/religion

I would be married. I will have adopted my daughter.

I would invite family and friends to vacation with me at different times of the year at my expense. I wouldn’t want them to be worried about not being able to afford to come.

Should you choose to use the prompt and I care to share, I’d love to hear your vision.

In retrospect, there are things here that make me cringe. It will be interesting to see how the vision evolves.