A couple of days removed from the armed robbery in front of my building and following yoga and meditation on this glorious morning, I am in a much better place. There is something to be said for ritual and its ability to bring you right back to the heart of it all.
This morning, I realize that anger, fear and worry will not buy me one moment of peace or safety. So, I let it go. And I am thankful to this person for reminding me to be present and aware, even as I am walking from my car at night. Sounds all mashed potatoes and Pollyanna, I know. But it’s the choice I make today, for myself. Am I 100% at peace? No. But at least I can be present to what I am feeling and free to choose who I want to be in response to this.
Have a great day! It’s a gorgeous one.
I will do my work honestly.
….so I can get out of the office as quickly as possible and enjoy the sunshine!
Thank you for all of your comments on my previous 2 posts, but now I must ground my feet to the earth again and talk about silliness.Don’t want to lose my cynics!
I am traveling to Atlanta next week for work and hopefully to hang out with the great and wonderful Jali.I am looking forward to doing some fun things in the ATL besides sitting around in bars getting drunk with my co-workers.I’m so over my co-workers.Have you noticed?Any ideas?I know I’m going to have super-long days, but I still want to take advantage of being in a great city.Oh, and did I mention I have a limited budget?No?Well, I do.So keep that in mind when you make your suggestions.
I took a yoga class last night and I really had a hard time with the Shavasana.The pose is for deep relaxation.The room is completely quite and still.Everyone is focused on their breathing and you can’t hear anything at all.But I had to fart—bad!I was trying so hard to hold it in and I knew it was one that was not going to come out quietly.Trying to hold it in and hearing my stomach rumble only made me want to laugh.Needing to laugh in an inappropriate situation makes me pee.Can you see that I was in trouble?!?!I was so close to farting and peeing on myself simultaneously.I was so glad to hear that damned gong to signal that that mess was over!But right after the gong sounded, I swear the instructor farted.Must have been all those forward bends and twists.
Sometimes I have plans to sit quietly at home in the evening and enjoy a meal without television, internet or a book.I usually am completely unsuccessful in these attempts.At one point I thought I was avoiding the loneliness of eating alone again, and maybe that was a small part of it, but there’s more to it.I have a hard time sitting still.
As I begin to study more about spirituality (in tremendous contrast to religion) I find that I avoid, run from, am maybe even a little afraid of that which I seek after the most.I want to connect to that which is bigger than I.I want to know my own soul and hear its truth and its direction.I want answers I know I already possess, but I’m afraid to sit and listen.I am afraid to be still and know that I am God.(Typing that last sentence freaked me out because, as a partial quote from the Bible, my use of it will surely be interpreted as blasphemous by many. )But it’s true– the thought of sitting and contemplating my power and my connection to everything, the thought of quieting my thoughts to find what exists beyond them entices and scares me at the same time.
I don’t feel trepidation or anything.I’m not shaking in my boots when I think about meditating or praying or just being still and quiet – but I avoid it.Even this weekend, as quiet and peaceful as it was, I had my books.My mind had to remain constantly engaged.You may have read the list in the previous post.I am addicted.I thirst for knowledge and am addicted to ideas.I am beginning to realize that my addiction to ideas is impeding true knowledge—the knowledge that only comes from going within.I sound like some freaky mystic, but I know that what I say is true.I am avoiding myself.I’m afraid that I am more than I ever could have imagined and I’m not sure how I’ll handle that knowledge.
I want to hear from folks who have taken the journey within.Share your stories with me.How did you get past the fear of the silence?How did you force yourself to be still?Is it incremental?A daily practice?A month long retreat?Please share.