I Don’t Ask for Much

I remember working at a small start-up charter school in DC back in 1999-2000. I was married and Ex and I were trying everything in our power to get pregnant. I was stressed out about the possibility of not being able to have children and teaching elementary school wasn’t helping matters any. I always seem to find myself in the middle of pioneering ventures and all of the stress that goes along with them. This school required very long hours and the students were not exactly in a charter school by choice — many had been kicked out of their public schools for behavior problems. It reached a point where getting up in the morning to go work was depressing. My mood would start to change by 3pm on Sunday afternoon in anticipation dread of the week ahead. When I reached the point of bursting into tears when my alarm clock sounded in the morning, Ex and I both decided that enough was enough — and I quit.

While I am not yet to the point of bursting into tears when the alarm sounds, I am very much in a similar place with my current job. I am so happy and excited about all other areas of my life, but work is the one thing in my life that brings me discontent. I hate that I feel like it takes me out of myself. I am not the person I want to be when I’m there anymore because I am just so miserable. In a nutshell, I have made very deliberate choices to rid my life of toxic, dysfunctional relationships. I don’t expect and do not intend to tolerate the dysfunction of someone who seriously needs to be medicated in my professional life. I spend too many hours a day at my job to have to wonder what kind of mood he’s going to be in today. I gave up tip-toeing around dragons a long time ago. I’m at the point of wanting to work at the car wash up the street so that I can eat until I find another job. It’s just that bad.

The first question people always ask me when I talk about changing jobs is, “Lexi, what do you want to do?” I want to not be defined by my job! I want to work in a peaceful environment that allows me to use my talents in a way that brings me joy and makes a difference to the others I touch. Honestly, I just want to get paid for doing something I enjoy. Will somebody please pay me to write and learn and share what I’ve learned with others? May I please have a job where I can predict when I’ll get off each day and still have enough daylight to be outside and connect with nature and find my peace in the evening’s breeze? Is that too much to ask?

I am capable of living a very simple life. I don’t require much, in fact, I probably already have more than I need. I am fighting the urge to pack up my apartment and load it all into a storage unit and march off with one backpack to this place for the next 6 months so that I can find peace from the effing rat race and chart out my path. I just want peace. I want to live in a world that values serenity and wellness more than getting…MORE. Greed is really annoying me right now. It shouldn’t cost this much to live in a box. It shouldn’t cost this much to eat healthy food. It shouldn’t cost this much to put gas in my car to get to work. It shouldn’t be so hard in this country for a person to make an honest living from their gifts, talents and life’s passion.

Something is terribly wrong.

A Quickie

What a week and a half!  Granny is in rehabilitation and they seem to expect her to be able to go home with assistance in a few weeks, depending on her progress.

Daddy was admitted to the hospital on Saturday with pneumonia and some other infection he picked up in the hospital that took up residence in his face!  He’s gone home now.

I’m exhausted of visiting hospitals.  I took a break yesterday and today.  I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

I took of from work today to catch up on things I didn’t get done this weekend.  A couple of things:

1. Couldn’t live without internet at home, so I kicked Comcast out and had Verizon install internet and local TV.  I watched TV for all of 10 minutes this afternoon and turned it off because it was disturbing my peace.  My apartment has become my peaceful sanctuary since I stopped watching the tube.  I’m not saying I’ll never turn it on, but it was definitely an intrusion today.
2. I had a Reiki treatment today.  Very interesting.  I felt very relaxed during and afterwards.  I took a 4 hour nap when I got home!  I never nap.  Some of her insights made me laugh (at myself more than anything).  Some stuff she hit dead on, man!  I’m still trying to interpret the experience.  When I’ve had a chance to sit with it and think it through some more, I’ll let you know my conclusions.
3. I’m finally losing weight again!  I’ve been working with my holistic health counselor since November.  I’ve had periods of progress, but I get frustrated when my weight loss doesn’t happen like I want it to.  I refuse to diet in the traditional, restrictive sense, but my overall diet has changed so much since November.  Trader Joe’s and My Organic Market save my life!  I can actually tell that my clothes are fitting differently.  Finally!
4. I hate my job.  I am almost ready to go work at well, not McDonald’s, but close.  It’s just that bad.  It’s the single solitary point of discontent in my life right now.  I am so happy and fulfilled in the rest of my world.  Why must work suck ass?!?!

That’s all for now.  Thanks for your kind words about my Granny!  She has been a hot mess without her filter.  Too funny.

What a Difference a Day Makes

What a difference a day makes!  Thanks for all of your well wishes, thoughts, peace, prayers and positive energy.  I walked into her hospital room yesterday and Granny was wide awake, chatting it up and had the whole nursing staff it stitches, telling them unfiltered stories about us.  It appears that, in addition to weakness on the left side and limited field of vision, Granny has also lost her inhibitions.  She’s telling it ALL!  If anybody had any secrets between them and Granny, forget about it, it’s all coming out now.  I mean everything.  We’ve heard about several affairs already and had a great history lesson.  She told us about a relative who was married to a woman who lived in the “big house” (translation: she was the daughter of a slave and the slave master), but was raised in the masters home and despite marrying a black man  — my great grandfather – decided to stay in the big house while my great grandfather raised their children with his mistress, the lady I know as my great-grandmother who was grandaddy’s “stepmother”).  Did you follow that?  I did and I was fascinated.  She told of more affairs like this from the late 19th century and early 20th century. 

We also got a science lesson.  One of my cousins is pregnant and she just told Granny yesterday.  Granny had her lean in as she whispered loudly, “Did you have a good time?”  I about hit the floor!  Granny went on to explain that if the woman has a better time than a man during sex when she conceives, she’ll have a boy.  When the man has more fun, she’ll have a girl.  We are a family FULL of girls 8 girls, 2 boys of the grandchildren.  My cousin assured her that she had a great time and pointed out that Granny has 2 sons.  Granny said, “I sure do!”  You could hear the wink. 

We laughed so much yesterday listening to her tell us what she really thinks about us all.  She was telling the nurse about what we cook that she likes.  This one makes this, that one makes that, etc.  When she got to my uncle, she said he makes filet mignon because he thinks he’s rich!  She also called him the biggest rat in the barn.  Does anybody know what that phrase means?  We thought it meant he was the oldest, but I was scared to ask her.

I also learned another term, “mother wit”.  She said her mother had mother wit.  She knew how to teach her girls what they needed to know to be successful women.  She is one of 12, only 4 girls (I guess her mom was having a good time too!).  She said her mother told her that all of the girls had sense except her.  She told us the story of a gentleman caller coming to the house warming his hands in front of the fireplace.  He told my grandmother that his hands would warm up faster if he put them between her legs.  So she said she went, “Bloop”.  That was the sound she associated with flinging her legs wide open.  She said the next thing she knows her mom slapped her legs closed so hard it left a hand print.  Told her she didn’t have good sense.  Granny told her mother that she had always told her to believe the truth and “his hands were cold!”

This was non-stop yesterday.  We were all relieved to see her in good spirits.  We can tell she is concerned about her condition.  She’s trying to push her PT way too fast.  She’s holding her left arm up with the right and telling it to “stay up”.  That breaks my heart, but at the same time it shows me she’s a fighter.  She looked at me yesterday and said, “I’m going to live and I didn’t have the stroke they say I had.”  Whatever you say Granny, because you are certainly a fighter and in charge of your destiny.  Who can argue with that?

She also told us that she was planning to show up at all of our 90th birthday parties to surprise us all.  I SO believe her!